And I Miss You...

'We were made for each other

Out here forever, I know that we were, yeah

All I ever wanted was for you to know

Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul

I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah'

-When Your Gone, Avril Lavigne

I know I'm not the only person to think, 'what if I just let my soul mate slip through my fingers?'. But I think that there might be more then one soul mate per person. Or maybe even a different kind? For instance, I'll always have a special place in my heart for my ex, the first person I said 'I love you' to and had it mean something more. Circumstances broke us up once, and somehow we managed to get back together for a couple months. But sometimes fate is cruel, and things happen, and now i've been wondering if I just lost the person I was meant to be with...

Since then I've met some amazing guys, who have treated me like royalty (and some who treated me like crap) and still I always think of my ex. Is that really fair to my current boyfriend? Or my future ones? Its not like I dont care about them, I do! But I'll always ca re for Mayz too. And even if it's just in the back of my mind, I cant help but wonder... What if?

I know that If my boyfriend told me he felt like that about an ex, I would probably feel horrible, so the fact that I've been thinking this way drives me crazy. I KNOW there is no future for me and my ex tho, so thats why I feel I can move on. But is it possible to move on and still have those feelings?? Someone tell me!

My current boyfriend is amazing tho, he's a real doll. Totally c0mmited, would do anything to make me smile, full of compliments, loves to be around, he's awsome. Of course there are things we dont agree on, like he would pick up and come visit me on the drop of a hat (he lives a couple hours away) and i usually have plans so I cant do that as often. Or Sometimes he'll act all cute and sad when I have to leave, which makes me smile, or sometimes it makes me want to strangle him for making me feel bad for leaving! xP). Im also just not used to being treated so well, so sometimes I catch myself thinking 'why am I so special?? Dont do that for me! I dont deserve it!!' But no matter what, he's a great guy. So what I'm saying is he's awsome to, and maybe we are meant to last for a long time... you never know! The point, I know he respects and values me. And thats what matters.

Isnt it?

Roomies...Not So Homey...

So, someone explain to me how people you've known forever, that you feel so close too, can let something stupid ruin the friendship. Why do I always have to be the one to apologize, to be wrong? Everything from not being clean enough, to wanting to pay rent on time, everything is a problem. So explain to me, how if I'm only around on weekends, I get into trouble for not cleaning the house and everyone else's mess? Also, explain to me whats so wrong about wanting to put rent into a room mates account to make rent on time (since you wont be there the day its due). These things arent that big of a deal, so why do people freak out? Friends are more important than discomfort or slight annoyances. Snarky comments and rude remarks dont help anything... I thought moving out was supposed to be a good experience, not a reason to jump off a building. This is when I thank the stars that I have friends houses to crash at. The insane thing is.... Im paying almost 300 dollars to sleep in a room. Go Fuck'in Figure.

A Person Just For Me

"Do you still watch Chobits?" Christina-Ann asked me the other day.

To be honest, I hadn't even thought of the show in the 3 years since she moved away, but thinking about it now gave me an odd feeling.

You see, Chobits is one of those shows that people watch, but dont often understand. Its about this man living in Tokyo in an age where each person has a personalized computer robot, specialized to make each person's dreams come true. Heidiki can't afford his own chobit, but ends up finding one abandoned in an alley. This chobit is Chii, an innocent blonde robot, intent on making Heidiki's every wish come true. As the story progresses, Chii falls in love with Heidiki, and goes on many adventures with him and her friend Sumomo. Little does Heidiki realize though that Chii is special; a prototype with a confusing past and a book called A Person Just For Me chronicaling her life (ironically this is her favorite book).

Anyways, Chobit's is just one of those shows that has so much meaning packed into each 3o minute morsal that as soon as CA brought it up, I couldnt help but feel a connection with Chii again; searching for someone who will love me for who I am.

My only question is, does a perosn like that exist...?

"When Santa Anas blow, anything can happen"

Today started off on a one way track to hell; complete with high heels and a matching accessories.

And yet...here I am, happy as a clam (excuse the cliche), in love with a Graham -the perfect man- from the movie The Holiday, and thinking about things I had previously pushed aside.

It really does amaze me how a movie, a peice of complete fiction, can run so true to life. I realized this tonight when watching The Holiday with my little sister.

Its like Iris said, you can be going to a shrink for years, then all the sudden you meet someone, and what they say makes more sense and is able to get through easier then anything your shrink ever said! Its true human connection that gets through our thick skulls, not some hyped up psyco-bable (no offense to any psychiatrist out there). But let's start at the beggining of my realization...

I will be the first to admit that I, am a carpet. A nice fluffy white one, thats been stepped on so many times, but refuses to wear out. Ask any of my friends and they will probably tell you that I need to learn to say NO.

No, I wont drive you around. No, I dont have money to hang out today. No, its not fair that I drive you around looking for a good lay. But some how I cant quite manage to get that special two letter word out. You'd think it would be easy; but no.

A perfect example of my willingness to be the friendly neighbourhood door mat comes from my first real relationship. I was dating this guy, whom I thought the world of despite his ignorance for many of the simple facts of life (that its not a good idea to tell your girlfriend about all the wonderful chicks that are madly inlove with you, that hours of silence on the phone does not count as a conversation, that violent out bursts are not okay). Even after he cheated on me twice with someone I considered a friend, and lied about it in varying degrees, I still stayed with him for months; even as our relationship deteriorated.

" Iris, in the movies, we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are the leading lady but for some reason, you're behaving like the best friend." -Aurthur Abbot

Since then, I regretfully inform you that I have been in a struggle with the worst kinda of love; unrequited love.

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!" -Iris

But this is NOT meant to be a woe-is-me entry.

On the contrary, my point of all this sob story is exactly what the point of the movie The Holiday is.
That you have to take control of your life,
That you are special and deserve someone who treats you with the respect you deserve,
That everyone has a past, everyone has secrets, everyone has felt pain, and;
That there IS someone out there for everyone.