All or Nothing . . .

You make me breakfast in bed

When I'm mixed up in my head

You wake me with a kiss

I could get used to this

You think I look the best

When my hair is a mess

I can't believe you exist

I could get used to this

Because I know you're too good to be true

I must have done something good to meet you

'Cause you wrote my name across your hand

When I freak you understand

There is not a thing you miss

And I could get used to this

I'm feeling it comin' over me

With you it all comes naturally

Lost the reflex to resist

And I could get used to this

You love the songs I write

You like the movies I like

There must be some kind of twist

But I could get used to this

Because you listen to me when I'm depressed

It doesn't seem to make you like me less

'Cause you wrote my name across your hand

When I freak you understand

There is not a thing you miss

And I could get used to this

I'm feeling it comin' over me

With you it all comes naturally

Lost the reflex to resist

And I could get used to this

If there's a dark side to you I haven't seen it

Every good thing you do feels like you mean it . . .

- I Could Get Used To This, by The Veronica's

Jenn . . . You have a loving, growing relationship.. but you act like it's almost not real.. and there's not a lot of hope in it.... but I guess, considering your past...... maybe, that's just who you are right now. It makes me a little sad.
Dylon Rylee . . . Thats a very accurate description... lol and im sorry it makes you sad. The thing is, I really do like him. And I could see this going somewhere. . . I really really want it to. He's great and cuddly, and he thinks its adorable that i love mokona and anime and i think his dorkyness is amazing. . . I'm just really scared im gonna do something to screw it up. And I know that Its not my fault the last couple relationships failed, but its like I dont believe that someone I like so much, could like me. But he does. And his ex scares me! lol like really, it was so awkward when I was cuddling him last night at eleven and she called, and he got all tense and upset with her, which is a good sign, but it was still just weird... And she keeps calling him and texting him and telling him she's moved on, and I can tell it bothers him that she keeps rubbing it in his face. I just dont wanna get attached to someone just to get hurt. And I just wish I could get up the courage to tell him all these things! But everytime I do, I cant get ahold of him..

Another Sleepless Night

'You got your boys and got gone,

And left us all alone.

Now she in the club with a freaky dress on,
Cats don't want her to keep that dress on,
Trying to get enough drinks in her system,
Take it to the tele and make her a victim,
Easy for a good girl to go bad,
And once we gone best believe we've gone forever,
Don't be the reason (Don't be the reason),

You better learn how to treat us right,

Cause onces a good girl goes bad,
And now I'm finding numbers in the jacket pockets

Chicks calling the house, non stop,

Its Getting out of control.

Finally I can't take no more,

He finds a letter on the stairs, saying this is the end...'

- Good Girl Gone Bad, by Rihanna

I think i'm completely disalusioned to the idea of happily ever after . . . These past couple weeks have been really hard on me in the trust and loyalty department. Between people I thought were friends, doing things they know it will hurt me , to hearing how my uncle, the nicest guy on earth, was left by his wife after twenty odd years of marriage, its just got me wondering, is there really ever a happy ending, or are we just fooling ourselves? Why is it that the nicest people in the world, are the ones who get screwed over the most?

Worst Situation . . . EVER

How do you comfort someone when you dont wanna hear about it? How do you tell your friend that hearing about intimate details and sappy messages makes you wanna vomit? Why is it when you say something regarding the subject, its awkward, but you have to hear bout it all the time?
So, what do you do when your stuck in a messy, annoying, painful triangle, the likes of which you've never seen before? I am SO frusterated its not even funny! Stuck in three roles at once, I just wanna scream, 'shoot me now!' okay okay, not that extreme but still...
Just recently, one of my new friends started dating my ex.
Anyways, lately i've been seeing the same patern that he did to me. Be really charming, cute and affectionate. Visit/call/text all the time. Slowly get busier, not texting as much, not calling as much, has trouble making time to see you when you drive down to see him. Death of a close friend/relative (yes i know that this isnt usually a part of a 'pattern' but when it happens repeatedly and in the right spots.... come on ppl). Then when you get mad at him, he acts all sweet and you cant be mad. cant STAY mad...
As friend to his new gf i just wanna scream 'hurt me all you want, but dont, and i mean DONT, fcuk with my friends!'
As the ex, I dont wanna hear about the whole situation. the sappy lovey dovey ness (esp when said friend KNEW i still was crushing on ex...) the plans, the bad times... I dont wanna fix this! I dont like spending MY birthday weekend trying to make my ex's new gf feel better cause he ditched off and is being a jerk, when she wouldnt listen to my warnings. This whole thing is fresh for me and the repeat is like deja vu. (read my previous posts, you'll hear me say some of the same things) It brings up bad feelings and hurt. IM NOT A COUNCELLOR.... leave me alone.
. . . what can i do? . . . what can i say when she's in tears, and im saying maybe he has a valide excuse. maybe he really is just busy... maybe... maybe... I dont know. Inside im screaming 'he's an ass! i warned you! this is hurting me! why do i have to be the best friend and put everyonees feelings and probs above mine?? Im NOT jane! dont make me hear this all....
Hearing the problem being looked at in an impracticle and overly damatized way doesnt help either... its like, whats with all the we'll never get to see eachother. and the drama woe is me. i understand being upset but ... but... err....

To bad no one told him, you can't save the damsel if she loves her distress.

I've been trying to write this letter for awhile now, the kind you said you've never recieved, the kind I've been working on my whole life. And I remember being thirteen years old, sitting in my room at night, listening to the same song over and over..I thought that if I could write something beautiful, something honest, maybe I could make someone love me. I've taken alot for granted, I never tried to hard, I've always avoided resposibility, I came here cause I was running away, I wanted to be alone; instead I met you, and you werent taking anything for granted. I hope you get all the moments you deserve, I hope you go back to new york and sit in the met, in the room with the paintings of the Hudson River...and I hope when you do, you take Lucy with you, cause I know she would love it. I'm sorry if I made your life more complicated, Im sorry for alot of things, but most of all, Im sorry I never got the chance to tell you, no matter what happens next, I'll never be anything but grateful for every moment I spent with you. And even tho I keep fumbling for the right words, all I really wanted to say was 'Thank you' -Carter Webb, In the land of women

These day's i'm just not quite sure what to write in here. Everything's been really insane lately, my life is like a constant roller coaster. Good days followed by bad days, followed by worse ones. Watching movies like In the land of women, or The Holiday, don't make things any better, but instead, it just reminds me that life can't be the fairy tale I wish it was. No matter what happens, love hurts. Friendship hurts. And that realization is kind of getting annoying.
Things like this, days like this, make me think we're all on a subtle self distruct mode.
Are we all secretly sado-masichistic, thriving on the pain we inflict, and feel ourselves?

The Simple Things

Its amazing how all the little things can really make your day, and Im left wondering, what all do we miss out on by being insecure and worrying?
Listening to Theory of a Deadman on full volume at 9:33 am in the morning, watching Mike try to fight off his hangover by drinking a couple more 'sners, waiting for morning coffee direct from the Lloyd Timmy Hoes, and drooling over the prospect of bacon, eggs, hashbrowns, toast, and sausage after 24 hours of only a few bites of food. (like i'm gonna ask for food at someones house!)
The stories one hear's in the morning are pretty interesting too. Jack went to bed relatively early, before Premonition was even over, and her and Peyton passed out in Mike's bed, where as Willey was half ass asleep on his bed behind the couch, while Mike, Steph, 'Mom' and 'Dad' were upstairs. I passed out on the couch watching the opening screen on the movie about 10 times before wandering upstairs to see where everyone/the blankets were. With no one insight, I went back downstairs and layed on the couch, no blanket, no pillow, just me (for which I got laughed at the next morning. Supposedly theirs tons of blankets around, and my being to shy to go bug anyone for one was funny xP atleast to Mike. Steph just shook her head and made a comment about Mike's poor hospitality skills). Apparently, none of our nights ended there.
Around 4 in the morning I awoke to Mike and Steph talking upstairs, and after passing out again, Mike apparently came down stairs to get some more 'sner. Story has it I looked at him with closed eyes as he asked what I was up to, and I refused to answer, just look in his general direction. Creepy...so he asked if I was gonna join them for a drink and I just kept looking in his general direction, no words uttered, before rolling over and facing the couch. The poor drunken boy didn't know what to make of me! (I was asleep so I claim no responsibility...hehe)
I wasn't the only one being anti social either, Jack was deciding to steal all the blankets and after several attempts to get them back, Mike just gave up. All this lead up and contributed to my awsome morning.
Peyton was the first to wake up with an amazingly sunny dispossition, and I woke up an hour later with Jackie on the foot of the couch, staring at me. Then we spent awhile trying to figure out how to wake Mike up, and we decided to walk towards him with Peyton and see if that helped. Not even 3 steps ouside the door, and he was up and talking. From there, Mom and Dad woke up, Willy started to revive, and Steph came downstairs. Theory of a Deadman was put into the Xbox 360, and stories of the night before, camping and cuddling, and dwi classes ensued. It was seriously the most fun I'd had in awhile. No inhibitions, just talking and having fun. It was nice... And to think, I had felt almost awkward at the idead of being here the day before.
It really is amazing how we find friends in the places we never thought to look, and how just being around them, can make a world of difference.
October 14th, 2007

No Longer In Love... <3

''I am so not in love!''
That's what I was thinking as I drove down the road, on the first night off I'd had for a week. Don't think I mean that I don't love my friends or my family, because I do! But for the first time in a long time, I wasnt feeling that all-or-nothing, can't-live-without-him, feeling. And that, feels good!
I know this goes against some thing's previously stated by me, and the ideals of most teenage girls, but it was just nice to feel like I didnt need to be with someone to be someone. In today's society, why do we allow our happiness to rest on the shoulders of others?
For some odd reason driving aimlessly and listening to the One Tree Hill soundtrack, was making me feel nostalgic. I can remember the way I felt when I first heard Eric say 'I love you,' that night at Christina's house, and I remember how great it was, how special it made me feel. I remember coming home with new stories to tell Mayzin, and talking on the phone for hours, till 2, 3, of 4am.
I also remember how stupid I felt when those feelings of safety and belonging were torn away.
I've learned in the past that you can't trust men, or even if you think you can, you'll have to be careful. And so feeling like Im perfectly capable of taking care of myself, is great. I still think it'd be nice to have someone to come home to that cares about how your feeling, that knows all your flaws and loves you more because of it, but the fact that Im not connected to anyone, and thus can't get hurt, makes me feel a little less stressed.
Example one of why I dont trust or understand guys: After Eric got Ash to break up with me, we didnt talk for almost a year, understandably. But when we got over whatever it was that made us stop talking in the first place, and I tried talking to him again, he wouldnt talk to me...unless he didnt know it was me. Now here we are, talking again, and I'm startting to get really annoyed with the insults, sarcasm, and general emotional wear down. I keep telling myself he's just joking and he doesnt mean to make me feel like shit all the time, but after talking to Chris and hearing how he's NEVER an ass to her, I dont know what makes him think he can treat me like shit. I also feel like I'm being used, as a ride to get Chris out there. I wouldnt mind, if maybe he was ever nice, or even semi-nice, almost supportive, and occasionally friend-like.
So you'll understand if I have trouble believeing that someone who seems nice is like that, which is what makes Jesse being so nice, weird. a) not used to guys being nice unless they want something. b) not used to guys being nice in general. Its also why I wish I knew what was really going through Jesse's mind, so I could stop thinking, before I start feeling something. (inside I know that we'll probably always be good friends and that's it, but ever since I started talking to him I've had a slight crush on him, I couldnt help it!)
Anyways, the point of this whole story is that being alone can be good sometimes. Its nice to be able to rely on yourself, and know that you don't need a man to make you happy. If we were all strong enough to rely on ourselves, would the need for the oppisite sex be obsolete?

What Constitues a Date?

What do we do when a good friendship goes to the next level? When you meet up with someone, and your not sure if the date/encounter/hanging out, went well, or whether it was pitty perfect.

I've been friends with Jess for a couple months tho, and he's been a really great friend, always there for me when i was having problems with my ex, and I was there for him when he needed it. He's always really funny and sweet. And today, we were both bored, so I suggested hanging out. So I decided to get ready, and head out to Nipawin. When i got there, Jess hadn't arrived yet, so I waited and worried for a couple minutes, about if I looked alright, what we would do, what this whole thing was. So many questions we're running through my head, so many different scenario's; and none of them were making me feel any beter. Once he got there, we introduced ourselves, and tried to decided what we wanted to do. Then he asked if i was hungry. (point one for it being a date)

Since, in my hurry to get ready and look okay, a task which took longer then intended, I had forgoten to eaten anything, so food was sounding pretty damn good. Enter the question, do I really want to eat infront of someone (aka. a cute guy) that I just met. Against my better judgement I asked where was good food, and he said venice house was the best, so we went. Of course, we get there and I realized that i'd forgotten my wallet in my car... Instead of going back for it, Jess volunteered to pay for it, and when I said I'd pay him back as soon as I got to the car, but he told me it was the least he could do and not to worry about it. (point two for being a date)

It was durring supper that things got kind o awkward, atleast in my books... Before I left Jackie's house to head to Nipawin, I was saying how his last name was familiar, how it would be funny if I was related to him. He may not have been my relative, but he sure was someones! You see, we were talking about our families, and he mentioned a cousin in the town my mother grew up in. Turns out, his cousin was one of my best friends, whom everyone confuses for my sister. To me, the idea this guy, a new friend of mine, was my other friends cousin. More nervous thoughts started to fill my head. What if he had a bad time and talked to Robin about it? What if she got mad at me and talked to him about me? All the questions were driving me crazy when another one came into my head; can our fear of not being perfect, keep us from missing the perfect moment?
After supper I asked what he wanted to do next, and he said we could either go for ice cream or something. I asked If we had time to start a movie, and after long consideration, he said we didnt have time, but there wasn't much else to do. (point one for a hanging out, and now I wasn't sure if it had even gone well on that note!) I suggested he could go to sleep, and we could hang out another time and he agreed. Strike two. But then, something I didnt expect happened, when we started driving it wasn't towards my car. Instead,

x. (side note from Peyton: 1Q~ 1 1qaW 32WZEDAFDFDDDDDDDD)

we ended up driving around Nipawin for the next hour and a half, seeing all the different spots, the train bridge, the dam, the park, and trying to determine if it was indeed bigger then home. The confusing part was that I was expecting to be droven to my car, instead, we drove straight past my car; 3 times. (point three for being a date) I guess if he'd had a bad time, he woulda dropped me off...right?

Later that night, once I got him, I got a IM asking if I'd gotten home alright. I replyed yes, although I was pretty tired, and he appoligized for keeping me out so late and driving around so long. Since then, I keep letting him say hi first, and he has.

- - - 5 days later - - -
After re-reading everything I wrote, I've come to anther conclusion. Women over think. Or atleast, I do. But no matter how much I think, the answers won't come to me. And so I'm wondering, what constitutes a date these days? And who is dateable? Where are the boundries? And, is dating a friends cousin to close for comfort??

[Aside: x. Peyton is my friend Jackie's 5 month old baby, and she wanted to write something for ya'll!]

Untitled

This morning I woke up with an unusal feeling; one of freedom, and no responsibilities. I was in a mood that allowed me to lounge in my new queen size bed for over an hour, and just enjoy the warmth coming from the sunny day outside. My mind wasn't bogged down with any thoughts other then, 'mmmm this feels good...'. And as the day progressed, that relaxed feeling continued into an afternoon in the big leather chair, and an evening driving around listening to music.

Its amazing how the time and space in which I feel the most at ease, is behind the wheel of a 99' firefly, driving down the saskatchewan roads, no destination in mind, and the music so loud I can barely hear myself think. Its the time when I feel most comfortable with myself, when I feel that I finally know who I am, and like it.

I am the girl who loves nature, but is scared of bugs, birds, and tree's at night. I am the girl whose favorite shows are drama's. The girl who wishes that her life was like one of those teen drama's, but complains about the drama in this small town. I am the girl whose two heroes are Marilyn Manson and Sailor Moon. I am a hopeless romantic, and a complete pessimist sometimes. The girl who just wants respect, but most of the time hates herself. The girl can be bossy and nagging, but won't turn her back on her friends. I know that people have flaws, and thats what makes them unique. That no one is perfect, and in any relationship, you just have to work through the rough patches. Yet, its so easy for me to give up. I'm the girl who just wants to be loved. In the end, I just am.

I'm not saying that there are never any negative thoughts durring my me time, there can be. It's also when I can think about what I'm doing, what's happening, what could happen. Its a time for me to feel. To laugh. To cry. To live. And that's what I do.

Get in the car, no make up, pj's on, pick up a raspberry white tea, put in a cd, and dive. And after an entire season of Sex and the City, I was feeling pretty damn comfortable with myself today. I know I'm not the thinest, or the prettiest, the smartest, or the most stylish, but I liked myself today; and THATS what matters!

Yet, half way through Mixed Tape, by Jacks Mannequin I started crying, and Im not exactly sure why... I think Im just scared. I always had these big plans. I moved out, was going to go to university, get married, be successful! I refused to let myself get stuck in this small town, refused to end up working at the grocery store till I die, to never see anything, to never live. And yet, here I am, in this small town, with no real end in site. I can plan and plan, but something always seems to stop those plans.

And so, there i was driving down main street melfort, thinking, where is my life going? How can I get out of here? How fast can I just pack up and leave? And where can I go? It seems like my plans go like the diet my mom and I are trying, the good intention is there, but nothing ever happens. And 7 chicken strips and a peice of cake later, I sit and think, there's always tommorrow. But how long can life go on like that, always meaning well, failing, and saying, 'maybe tomorow'?

But no! I wont give up! I refuse to let my life remain like this. I won't be the girl whose afraid of what everyone else thinks of her. I won't hate myself. I won't waste my talents, or my passion. I have to believe that everything will be okay, eventually. I have to choose to believe that this is not the end, just a test. And if I can make it through this, I can make it through anything.

(And I know that all this won't happen over night, but someday it will. Becuase I AM worth it. I am amazing. And dammit, someday the world will realize that!!)

Label's

Do you ever wonder where our place in society is? They say 'it takes all kinds' but then why is assimilation the biggest thing since acid wash jeans? I was lying in bed this afternoon, sick, and wondering where my friends would be if I'd never met them. Would it have made a difference? Was my existance in their live's one that could just fade into the background without effecting a change, or would they have been completly different people? Am I a catalyst to change, or an inhibitor? And what about friends? What part of my personality can I thank my friends for, and what is purely me?

We all want to believe that our existance is of some importance to the world. Its human nature to want to be important, whether its our ego's talking, or a want to be part of the good in the world, im not sure. What I ams sure of is the theory that everything happens for a reason, that the people we meet and the things we do will ultimately change our outcome.

I know its hard to believe, that that dork that we never talked to in elementry, or the popular girl who treated us like crap, could have an effect on who we are, but its true, and vice versa. What if you hadn't ignored that dork? By judging him without getting to know him first, you might have just missed out on the best guy you never knew you could have, or the best friend who would have been there for you forever. Maybe that shallow popular girl that treated you badly was just like that cause she was jealous of you. Maybe her life was going through some really rough patches, and all she needed was someone to knock through her tough fiscade, and help.

In today's society, we all lable and judge, whether we admit it or not. We take one look at a person, and think we know their entire life. And most of the time, our preconcieved notions are dead wrong. Im not innocent of this either. My worst habbit is letting my past experiences cloud future possibilities. For example, bad past relationships have made me think that all men are jerks, that none of them care about anything other then sex, and that no man will ever love me. I know that's not true since I have many good male friends, who are the exact opposite to my theory, but for some odd reason, I can't seem to change my mind. And not only does that effect me, my outlook on life, my self esteem, but it also pushes people away. And it's not fair to myself, or to them. The truth is that, as painful as it can be, we have to allow people to get close to us. We have to be willing to get to know someone before we discard them. And although we may never know how much we can ever really know someone, sometimes we just have to try.

End of an Era

You left me hanging from a thread we once swung from together

I’ve lick my wounds but I can’t ever see them getting better

Something’s gotta change

Things cannot stay the same

Her hair was pressed against her face, her eyes were red with anger

Enraged by things unsaid and empty beds and bad behavior

Something’s gotta change

It must be rearranged, oh

I’m sorry, I did not mean to hurt my little girl

It's beyond me, I cannot carry the weight of the heavy world

So goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight

Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight

Goodnight, hope that things work out all right, yeah

Whoa The room was silent as we all tried so hard to remember

The way it feels to be alive

The day that he first met her

Something’s gotta change

Things cannot stay the same

You make me think of someone wonderful, but I can’t place her

I wake up every morning wishing one more time to face her

Something’s gotta change

It must be rearranged, oh

ry, I did not mean to hurt my little girl

So much to love..

Its sad when we come to the end of an era, and scary not knowing what will happen next. When friends say goodbye, and new oppertunities arise, I cant help but think; is it necessary to remove all the old, to enjoy the new?

My question comes after a weekend of changes, things I would have never seen coming, words I never thought I had the courage to think, let alone say. Early on in the weekend I tried to get ahold of one of my ex room mates, and after a couple times trying on the phone, she finally picked up. A friendly enough conversation ensued, but little things gave me an uncomfortable feeling, such as her questioning why I would want to meet her new boyfriend, and her refering to the apartment as her house, tho technically I was a tenant till the end of the month. After explaining that I was intereseted cause we were friends, and I wanted to meet who she was dating, we hung up, and aranged to meet a bit later. This did not work, and after trying to find the girls, we met at the mall, and I ended up giving them a ride home since they had run into car troubles. It amazed me how quickly snide comments and mistrust disapeared when in need.

Once I arrived home around nine that night, I encountered a rather upset father, who had just recieved a phone call from one of the girls mothers, wanting me to move my couch, bookshelves, and kitchen table out, incase a new room mate moved in. I promptly called their mother back and told her I respected her very much, and thanked her for her concern, but that her daughter needed to learn to talk to me instead of always going through a third party (first off with lara moving in, then when she was upset I didnt clean as much as she would have liked, and now this). Though this makes sense, I wonder, why couldnt the girls have told me this in the hour we were together?

Did the past 5-7 years of our friendship mean so little to them, that I didnt deserve to hear things straight from them?

If this is what best friends do to you, why would I bother?

My weekend hadn't started out any better either. Things between all of my friends have been on the rocks for some time, and this weekend seemed to be the weekend to all fall down. Another group of friends was being devided by rumours, assumptions, and accusations. One of my closest friends had been going out with another friend, and after their break up, rumours started to spread that he had cheated on her, not with one girl, but with two. Apparently this came from good sources, reliable ones, and my girl friend felt completley betrayed.. When I talked to the guy, he looked me in the eyes and swore it never happened, and I believe him. But the damage has already been done, and now being friends with this guy, could very well ruin the trust built up in my previous friendship.

Its sad that in the society we're living in, we will believe anything that's told to us. We assume the worst in people, and expect relationships to fail, despite the best of intentions. Cheating and lying have become common place, and the break up song has reached its peak in popularity. (Just listen to the top hits, and see how many are about heartbreak and betrayl. Or look at the divorce rates.)

What ever happened to trusting eachother completly? How do you know when someone is telling the truth? And When does it really matter?

Everything Changes

Its amazing how fast things change...one minute you can have your whole life infront of you, and the next its ripped away from you. To have hopes, plans, dreams, and to know exactly where your going, and then end up having no clue what the next day will bring.

Im not sure what got me thinking of all of this today; maybe its that its September 11th, and I cant help but think of all the innocent people with so much potential, that died senselessly. Or maybe, its just that after this summer, the feeling of being without direction is overwhelming.

When I started in July, I had a new apartment, close to the university, in a city I love, with two of my best friends. I was going to university in the fall, I was going to start planning my career, save up money, and travel. I wanted to get my cultural anthropology degree, and volunteer with Amnesty International.

Now, Im back at home, with less friends than I had when I started, and the friends I do have are far away. I have absolutly no clue where to go from here. Im working a temperary job until November, about 5000 in debt, living at home with my parents, and no car for the moment. Im caught between the choice of moving to Ontario and a whole new start in spring, or to Macklin with Jor and Ryon. The only problem with the last option is that Im scared to get close to them again. I dont want to pick up and move with them, just to get dropped like a sickness with no explanation.

Dont get me wrong, good things have happened, but that helpless feeling is still there.

[Guys will come and go, but friends will always stay -not-]

They say you should never put a guy before your friends, and I used to believe it. But from the way things are looking, Im starting to think that guys are more reliable than girls are. Im sick of having to worry about cat fights, vindictive comments, and plots to ruin another persons life. Guys may be violent, but girls are just bitches some times! Its funny, but when Im having a horrible day and I need someone to talk to, the first people I think to call are mayzin, brayden, herman, arne, or jackie. Out of that entire list, one girl. Whats that say?

That True Love Feeling

Ok, I swear this will be my last post thats semi-sad! Scouts honour! Or atleast... I'll try to make it the last one... Sorry! I just cant help it! Summer's almost over, I'm completly confused as to where I'll be living for the next year, my dream of going into University this fall has fallin through (excuse the pun :P), and I'm not sure where this thing with Bren is going.

Yeah everything indicated in my earlier blogs pointed to smooth sailing, but theres just something not quite right. I think my first sign was when he didn't seem to realize what a big deal my first time was to me...that I wanted it to be special (ya ya, laugh it up, but what girl doesnt want it to be?) Now Im regretting the whole thing, and there's nothing I can do about it. Its like something really important to me was taken away and thrown in the trash. A little over exageration I know, but thats the feeling I'm left with. But its not just that. Whether its the fact he keeps talking about wanting to bring a third person into the mix, even just as a casual thing (which still makes me really uncomfortable), or the fact that he doesnt make an effort to come see me anymore, I just dont feel comfortable anymore. I still think he's an awsome person, I just feel like maybe, he thinks now that he's got me, i'll just stick around; and I dont want to be in another relationship like that. I could quite easily just smile, and push all my feelings aside and say, 'well, atleast I have a boyfriend and I'm sure I'm reading to much into this,' but wasting another year of my life on something that I know isn't going to go anywhere, just doesnt sound appealing. Especially when that desicion could effect the rest of the choices I make in my life. Maybe its asking to much, but I just want to find a guy who will respect my feelings, who makes me smile every time I think of him, and who cares what I think. Is it so wrong to want to find the perfect guy?? I've been watching alot of soap opera's lately (and im sure my friend eric wants to kill me for it...) but I cant help but notice the way some of the couples look at eachother, light up when the other one comes into the room, the way they talk, and how inlove you can tell they are. Ok ok, i know its a soap and their just acting, but still, you get the point! Even on movies like The Holiday (which I totaly LOVE), or The Perfect Man, I can see relationships I wish I had. Although the theme in those movies (the ones that seem more real, like its someone you know telling you about their experiences) seems to be that you have to go through a couple bad relationships to find that one guy that makes life so much better. I cant help but look at myself after one of my mom and I's movie nights and say, 'Just hold on girl! Someday you'll find that guy!' Lol, I know, how corny is that? But it really does help when your feeling down. And Its not like I haven't found good guys before; I have. I can remember finding myself smiling just at the thought of some of my ex's, I can remember going through a real shitty day, and it being bareable just cause when I got home, I knew I'd get to talk to them. To bad all guys can't be like that... And really, out of all my previous boyfriends, it looks like i'm batting 2 for 5. Only Mayzin and Eric are really good guys that I can still call friends.

The original plan was to move in with Jenn and Ash (check- done that), and go to the University of Saskatchewan in the fall, start taking my classes in History, Cultural Anthropology, and Rreligious Studies, and then durring the spring, take a class on Teaching English as a Second Language.

But things...well they haven't been going to well. You see, in regards to the room mate thing, at the begining of the year, my friend Lar wanted to move into the apartment for the summer, so she could work and earn a little extra money since getting a job here at home can be really hard. I said it was alright with me if she would check with the girls, and that she could stay in my room. She asked the girls, I asked the girls, everyone heard us ask the girls and everyone heard them say it was fine. The thing is, one week before Lar was to move in, and after she had already packed up and moved out of her parents house, the girls changed their minds and said they were just to scared to say no before because they didnt want me to be mad at them... So that left Lar with a pile of boxes and effectivly no home. At this point, I told them they should have spoke up earlier (and they retaliated by saying they never even agreed), they talked to Lar, and it was agreed that she could stay, for the summer, if she slept in my room; which she did.
Big Mistake.
Things started to go down hill, with dishes being left in the sink one week, when I left for my job back home, and it being blamed on me (although I know Lar had a part in the dishes too...since she was staying at the apartment full time and I wasnt eating there, so where these dishes of mine were supposed to have came from, Im not sure...) Anyways. The dishes were left for one week and aparently started to rot (why they couldnt just wash them and remind me not to leave dishes is beyond me, but I took the heat for that, and my room mates have never let me forget that one incident. They keep bringing it up, saying 'remember when you did this?' and 'you havent been cleaning as much as us,' which is very hard to do when your 2 hours away for 90% of the month.
Along with the whole cleaning fiasco, there's been other issues at the house. Jenn doesnt get along with some of my friends and doesnt like when they come over. So the night Felicia was there and the days she came over to hang out, Jenn was visably upset, and rather rude to Felicia, asking her what the heck she was doing at the house, and slamming the door. Also, when one of my friends called and Jenn found out who it was she had been talking to, she started yelling 'what the fuck is he doing calling here?! how did he get the number?' and I was warned that giving my friend Jackie the number to our house was probably not a good idea incase Jenn found out. I even had to tell Jackie to stay in the car when I ran into the house to grab some stuff. I understand, it'd be like Jenn inviting Nikki over, which I would hate. But Jack was in the car and Jenn baracaded herself in her room after swearing becuase Jackie knew where we lived now. My other friends arent really welcome either. Their of a different religion then my room mates and when they come over, they tend to talk about their veiws. Needless to say, that doesnt go over well, and although the room mates are nice to them while their there, my friends end up leaving feeling unwelcome and like they just got the cold shoulder; or the fake smile as it may be.
The last straw was when my mom called the house looking for me, and Jenn answered the phone. Now you have to understand that she never really talks, so responses are usually cut down to 'meh' or some unintelligable shrug noise. This time tho, my mom asked her how she was doing and the response was not meh; it was 'horrible! i'm gonna kill your daughter... she never does any cleaning. I swear I just want to suffocate her sometimes.' This is not something a mother likes to hear. So the next morning before lunch was even around, I get a concerned phone call from my mother asking what on earth was going on...
So now Im debating if I want to stay at the house and try to tough it out, or go somewhere else, somewhere that hopefully will be more comfortable. The thing is...I need to be in Saskatoon to go to University, but with apartment availability the way it is, it looks like its stay where I am, or bust.
What a choice!

Three's Company

What do you do when the question of sharing comes up? What do you say when your boyfriend starts talking about wanting to do something your not comfortable about? Where is the line between making someone you love happy, and sacrificing your comfort?

You see, we've just started going out, and already he's brought up the idea of involving another person. But i'm barely even comfortable with myself, let alone being with him. He said its fine if I dont want to do it, but he keeps bringing it up, keeps saying, 'well what if you choose the person?' 'what if its a guy?' But that doesnt make me anymore comfortable with the idea. And the fact he keeps bringing it up makes me feel like i'm not good enough for him, like he wants more. He didnt even say 'I love you' today when we hung up.

Besides the fact I'm feeling inadequate in that way, I feel like he doesnt even want to make the effort to be with me. Yeah, I know he was grounded (and i'm not sure if it annoys me that he's letting his parents tell him what he can and cant do) so he couldn't see me the 3 times i've been in the city, but shouldnt he atleast make an effort? And what about the fact that he won't stand up to his parents and come see me? Am I going to have to do all the work if I want this to turn out?

So what do I do? What do I say? And How...or when...do I end it?

Losing My Grip

I feel like I am all alone

All by myself I need to get around this

My words are cold, I don't want them to hurt you

If I show you, I don't think you'd understand

Cause no one understands

-Take Me Away, Avril Lavigne

I swear sometimes I feel like damaged freaking goods. Like I dont deserve to be happy. Like I should be constantly in fear of getting hurt. Its so hard for me to accept that someone likes me; no, that someone loves me, that I just cant believe it.

And so I start to sabatoge it. By beating up on myself. By seeing things that dont exist. By reading so far into things that I lose track of reality. But most of all, by holding it all in and letting it destroy me. Cause Im to scared to tell my boyfriend how I'm feeling. To tell him I wonder why he used to get me to call him, would ask me to drive down spontaniously after work, that it used to seem like he never wanted to get off the phone with me, and now, its like thats all changed. I dont want to seem too needy, too clingy. Dont want to seem like too much trouble, cause Im scared then he would just get rid of me. Give up and say goodbye. After all, why would anyone want to deal with that? Why would anyone want to help me realize that I am worthy of being loved? Its too much work. So I tell myself that if I call to much, complain to much, let my fear show to much, they'll run away. Like they always do. And I would see that I've gotten too close, too soon, too easily. Again.

Except this time I gave away something that meant so much to me, because for some reason, this just, felt different. This time, I gave away a part of me I can never get back. And Im scared that the pregnancy scare that followed, is what changed everything.

So I continue to worry, and think, and seem like a crazy person thats either distant and doesnt care, or that cares to much. And yet, how much do you want to bet that he doesnt see it like that? That he probably just seems someone he loves, going through a rough time. Someone who grew up thinking they were the reason mom was always crying, that they were the reason she said she wanted to leave. Someone whose been cheated on, been told they were a ball and chain, to controling cause I was scared to see my ex boyfriend end up like my cousins, drinking and high all the time, to spaced out to realize they were killing themselves. Someone whose been lied to. Someone who was told that they are the reason their relationships never work out.

I can remember Ricky crying when I found out he cheated on me with Erin, twice. I remember him telling me it was cause he missed me so much, that he convinced himself it was me he was kissing, instead of Erin. I remember being so upset, feeling so betrayed, remember telling him that I hated him. And then forgiving him, and him realizing he could hurt me as much as he wanted, and I would stay. Until finally, he stopped caring what I said, what I thought, what I felt, and he would yell at me, tell me I was the reason he was unhappy, tell me that I was the worst girlfriend ever.

I can remember going home at lunch and getting my christmas present from Eric, and being so happy. But wondering why he never talked to me anymore. I remember Ashley looking at me and saying, he wants me to tell you he doesnt feel that way about you anymore and its over. Wondering why my best friend was able to tell me this so calmly, with so little feeling, like she didnt care that Id be hurt.

I remember Mayzin accusing me of cheating on him, accusing me of doing so when I found out his mother died. I remember him calling me a bitch and a slut, and telling me that I wasnt worth the trouble. I remember him yelling at me all the time, after being in love for so long, and accusing me.. I knew it was just cause he was still hurting from losing his mother, his last parent. And I couldnt blame him. But after week after week of being told that he 'knew I was cheating on him' even tho I wasnt, I gave up. I couldnt take it anymore.

And I remember Richard, telling me he loved me, that I was amazing and that he never wanted to lose me. Then, over the phone the next evening, telling me that he had liked Amber the entire time we had been going out, and he wanted to date her. I remember hearing that they had gotten together less than 6 hours after we had broken up. And even worse, I remember hearing from one of amber's friends, that the night I drove him to Star City to hang out with her (while we were still going out) they were discussing going out, and he told her to wait a couple days and he would be able to date her.

A part of me looks at my past, and wants to cry and say, you made me this way! Its not my fault that Im scared...Its not... But then another part of me wakes up and says, you cant blame anyone else for who you've become. You either have to accept your flaws and realize that someone will love you despite them, or choose to hide so you cant get hurt. Either way, its your paranoia, your problem. No one else can be blamed for the mess you are, the mess your always going to be.

But why do I feel this way? There has to be a balance between blaming everyone else, and just blaming yourself. But for now, until I can find out who I am, this is what I want:
All I want is for him to smile at me, hold me close, kiss me. To tell me that Im delousional, that he loves me. He's just been busy and the reason he hasnt asked me to come visit, or seen me when I've been down. Its cause he's been busy, becuase he absolutly couldnt make it or he would have. To laugh a little, tell me I was being silly, and that he still wanted me around. That I was beautiful, that I was quarky and funny and that all my flaws just made him love me more. That he wouldnt just drop me. Thats all I want to hear...

But there are little things Bren does that show me he cares. Like joking around with me, trying to convince me I broke up with him last night, when I was to tired to remember what Id talked to him about. Like him then saying 'I love you' first, or when I asked if he minded me calling all the time, when he said 'of course I mind! No!! I like it when you call, jeeze what do you think, Im gonna say your annoying and to stop calling me? Your insane. Of course I dont mind!' Things like him sayin we'd find a way through it if I was pregnant, before we found out I wasnt. Or even just the tone of his voice when he talks to me and jokes around, saying erm... and um.... yeah... >_> when he's trying to trick me. Or like last week, when he told me he was really sorry he couldnt meet me after work, and that he loved me and missed me and to call and let him know that I made it home alright. And when I called, him sighing happily and telling me he missed my voice and didnt wanna let me go. Things like that make me smile, and make me feel loved, and wanted. And I know, when I think about it, that he really does care about me, and my worries that he doesnt are just the emotional state of a PMSing teenage girl. That he's just tired after a long day of work. That he really isnt allowed on the phone or the computer and thats why he doesnt sound more enthused to have long conversations, and that's why he hasnt checked his email lately.

And Thats when I smile to myself and think, maybe I am okay. Maybe everything will work out this time.

I really dont mean to seem all woe is me, that never was, and never will be my intention. The reason I write in this blog is to get my feelings out, so I dont explode, and it helps. It really does. Cause now, I feel silly for being paranoid. Now I can remember all the possitives, the happy times, the good things...

I give you everything that I am

I'm handin' over everything that I've got

Cause I wanna have a really true love

Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up

Stay up till Four In The Morning

And the tears are pouring

And I want to make it worth the fight

What have we been doing for all this time?

Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

Don't want to lose the love I've found

-4 in the Morning, Gwen Steffani

Moving On

When do we know that it's time to move on? To pick up, and leave our nice comfortable station in life for one less sure; for one where we dont know what could happen?

This is the problem facing me right now.

Should I stick out my room mate situation, not being able to have friends over, not being able to have friends call, and being constantly made to feel like im not doing a good enough job, in the hope everything will get better and settle down? If I decided to stay, I could probably find a job easily, and Id have a place to stay, but how long can my sanity last in that place? I might end up back where I was a couple years ago, beating up on myself so badly...mentally and physically.

Maybe I should take my Aunt up on her offer, and move to Alta., take my first few years of post secondary at Red Deer College, and get a job where the minimum wage is usually atleast 11$ an hour. But then I'd be leaving a couple really close friends...not to mention a new boyfriend, cutting that relationship off before it can really go anywhere.

I could pack up and come back home to Melly, move in back at home, and work at my current job. But that just has all kinds of trouble. Yeah, its an easy job, with gauranteed hours, but I really dont think its for me. That and then Id be taking over my mom's hours and she'd have to go back to working casual. And how healthy is it for me to give up and move back home? Especially to this little shit town...

So here I am, about 2,000$ short from being able to pick up and move where ever I want... So where do I go from here? And what do I sacrifice on my way forward? My sanity? My friends and my boyfriend? My freedom? How can I really choose...

The Time In between..

Ok, so, there's alot going on right now. And not alot of it's fun. *sigh* But I've gotta write it down somewhere, and here is as good a place as any. So here is a compilation of entries from over the past week, chronicaling my thoughts, fears, annoyances, and the occasional Yay! moment (aka. the Hedley concert last night)

09-08-07 -Here We Go Again! (brought to you live from Chapters in Regina, SK)
Let me explain how I even got to be here, sitting in Starbucks in Regina, with a little more than a half tank of gas in the car, writting again after a few months of hiatus.
Over the past couple months there's been alot going on. Here's some of what's happened:
-I started hanging out with Wanda again. Probably not a good idea. And I remember why I stopped b4. I cant handle her man-hopping, her rude nick names for people she doesnt even know, her calling my friends immature because they joke around, her using me for my car and bitching at having to pay for gas, her wanting me -no, telling me!- that I should 'slut it up' even though I have a boyfriend. Ever get one of those feelings in the pit of your stomach that sais, avoid with caution? Thats what I'm gettin here and I think I'd better listen. Before I start smoking again, or before I get high for a third time, or do something else stupid.
-I moved into Stoon with Ash and Jenn. Which was going good, but I cant live with Ash's snippy comments about my character and dating life or lack there of, and superior attitude, and what I feel to be unreasonable standards for room mates. And so Im currently paying 291.67 a month plus utilities for a room i'm never in. Nor do I WANT to be there! And they wonder why Im only there nights I dont have anywhere else to stay... (and apparently this is a problem.. go fig) Also I left dishes in the sink for a couple weeks once (tho i still swear their not all mine, they were laras too cause i was never there!) and the girls are holding it over my head and yelling at me for not cleaning up enough, complaining to my mom, etc. Its a mess..
-Im also hanging out with Jackie again. Could possibly end badly, but Im really not worried. She's grown up alot since she had Peyton. Shes actually THERE for me, bought me a test (which will be taken tommorow/friday) and is supportive. no 'well you'd have 9 months to figure out where to stay' like from ash when i stated she and jenn prolly wouldnt want a baby around.
-Ash is being really really odd... comments like 'I thought you'd spaz!' when i told her I was happy for her that she had found another boyfriend. Apparently cause Id been on POF for awhile and was still alone and she found someone 'who is SO awesome!' in her words, in a couple days, Id be jealous and hate her. Between that and when I asked if I could borrow her earrings and she was like 'NO! I never get them Back!' To which I'd said I had only ever borrowed one pair and she asked where they were. I looked at her and said the dresser in my room, a wall awa y, and she was like 'oh, i thought you got rid of them'. Like why would I do that? Its like everything I say is taken as an attack!
-I Also met some really interesting people; John and the Baha'i. There's a story! So I've made a bunch of new friends through a microwave! (heh doesnt make sense does it??) Lydia, Tahereh, Luke, John, Gary, Richard, etc. All over a microwave! You see, the first day we moved into our appartment, there was a knock at the door and rather cute farmer-ish looking guy is at the door asking if we are selling our microwave/toaster oven thingy (our landlord next door was having a garage sale the day before and John now knocked at the wrong door). Anyways, This was John, a really funny, nice guy, who just has this kind aura about him -also he was the object of a crush for awhile- so now we go for coffee, to firesides, and have random talks at 1am after throwing pennies at peoples windows.. *glares at John* xP Tahereh (a girl i met through John) and I have gotten close too, atleast in my opinion. She was the first person I told about being scared that I was pregnant, and talking to her really calmed me down! Oh! And through Luke I met Jalynn, my cousins cousin on Canada Day. She is sooo awsome! Totally good CD shopping buddy, and love her like a sister!
-Then theirs Brendon, my new boyfriend! (the one aformentioned in previous blogs) I swear, this guy is A-freakin-mazing! lol He's sweet and funny, and cares how i'm doing and feeling. Actually, he really suprised me too. You see, we havent known eachother for long, and though, yeah, we're dating, a pregnancy scare already, cant have been easy. I was actually pretty suprised he didnt turn and run when I told him about the possibility. The word adoption came up, but even that is understandable (wouldnt happen, but understandable). The fact Bren said 'We'll get through this' was enough to make me realize what a good guy Ive found, and I just hope the fact that we live a couple hours apart, wont come between us. I really want this to work...Its a person I can count on, someone I can talk to (when he has minutes on the phone), and I know he cares about me, he's always saying he misses me, that he loves me... So why am I so nervous? Why am I so scared?
Anyways, you now have the background on my life for the past couple months. After a break up with Richard, and graduating highschool, moving into the city, and meeting some new people, here I am, at Chapters/Starbucks.
You see, the plan was to drive into town yesterday, and go with Bren to get his first Tattoo, but he couldnt hang out with me since he'd gotten into a fight with this guy from work a couple days earlier. I told him I needed to talk to him, and he concluded from how worried I seemed, that I was scared I was pregnant. So he started freaking out (not like I blame him) and that made me freak out. I mean seriously, here I was. Alone. In Regina. Not sure how my boyfriend was feeling since my phone died, and scared he would hate me and run. I spent the night at Wascana Park, watching the ducks on the river and reading books, waiting for my friend to call me after a dinner he went to. That didnt turn out tho. So I drove around till I was to tired too, and then parked on a residential street, and went to sleep in my back seat. The next day I did basically the same thing, Wascana, breakfast at Starbucks, reading books at Chapters, and meeting random people (like this one pregnant lady who was looking for baby names). Bren had texted me to go for lunch with him but I missed the text, so I spent the day alone again. And here I am, writting to you. Just trying to get my feelings onto paper, where maybe they'll make more sense...But its not really working.

So Sick...(and i dont mean the song by Ne-yo)

I swear to God, I havent felt this sick in a long time.. If I remember correctly, it was probably at Ty's birthday when I got so hammered I didnt know I was drunk, that i've felt this shitty. Im sweating, cold, shakey, naseaus, tired... I feel like i've got the freaking flu from hell!! And the first thing that crosses my mind is .... 'I cant do this for 9 more months...'

What. The. Hell. (right?)

Ok, maybe I should clarify. The Other day I had a pregnancy scare. Well an 'Oh shit. What did I do now?' moment. Followed by scrambling money together, and running to the pharmacy to get grilled by a pharmacist before paying like 30-47$ to get the Plan B pill (approx. 40-ish hours after the fact) So now i'm sitting here going, jeeze I hope that worked...

So technically Im physically about to vomit my insides out, and mentally scared shitless that im prego.

Which brings me to another point! What is it with guys and being oh so freakin sensitive?! I say I have a problem, and the boyfriend says oh god, your not pregnant are you? Such support guys...followed by just go get the pill it will be ok. And if its not, then what? I think to myself. This will NOT end well. If I do end up being pregnant, my mother will be uber 'dissapointed' in me (god i hate that word), my family will most likely talk about what a slut I am, behind my back, my friends will roll their eyes and say serves you right, how you gonna take care of it now? and my boyfriend will prolly run for the hills.

So basically I have a plan.. If I am (for some god forsaken reason) pregnant, and my boyfriend does run out on me, I'm picking up and moving to Ontario. Away from family. Away from so called friends. Away from all the judgement to where I know i'd have friends that support me (aka. Jor, Eric, and maybe May)

But that's not my problem right now. Right now I just wanna stop feeling like Shit!!! :'(

And I Miss You...

'We were made for each other

Out here forever, I know that we were, yeah

All I ever wanted was for you to know

Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul

I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah'

-When Your Gone, Avril Lavigne

I know I'm not the only person to think, 'what if I just let my soul mate slip through my fingers?'. But I think that there might be more then one soul mate per person. Or maybe even a different kind? For instance, I'll always have a special place in my heart for my ex, the first person I said 'I love you' to and had it mean something more. Circumstances broke us up once, and somehow we managed to get back together for a couple months. But sometimes fate is cruel, and things happen, and now i've been wondering if I just lost the person I was meant to be with...

Since then I've met some amazing guys, who have treated me like royalty (and some who treated me like crap) and still I always think of my ex. Is that really fair to my current boyfriend? Or my future ones? Its not like I dont care about them, I do! But I'll always ca re for Mayz too. And even if it's just in the back of my mind, I cant help but wonder... What if?

I know that If my boyfriend told me he felt like that about an ex, I would probably feel horrible, so the fact that I've been thinking this way drives me crazy. I KNOW there is no future for me and my ex tho, so thats why I feel I can move on. But is it possible to move on and still have those feelings?? Someone tell me!

My current boyfriend is amazing tho, he's a real doll. Totally c0mmited, would do anything to make me smile, full of compliments, loves to be around, he's awsome. Of course there are things we dont agree on, like he would pick up and come visit me on the drop of a hat (he lives a couple hours away) and i usually have plans so I cant do that as often. Or Sometimes he'll act all cute and sad when I have to leave, which makes me smile, or sometimes it makes me want to strangle him for making me feel bad for leaving! xP). Im also just not used to being treated so well, so sometimes I catch myself thinking 'why am I so special?? Dont do that for me! I dont deserve it!!' But no matter what, he's a great guy. So what I'm saying is he's awsome to, and maybe we are meant to last for a long time... you never know! The point, I know he respects and values me. And thats what matters.

Isnt it?

Roomies...Not So Homey...

So, someone explain to me how people you've known forever, that you feel so close too, can let something stupid ruin the friendship. Why do I always have to be the one to apologize, to be wrong? Everything from not being clean enough, to wanting to pay rent on time, everything is a problem. So explain to me, how if I'm only around on weekends, I get into trouble for not cleaning the house and everyone else's mess? Also, explain to me whats so wrong about wanting to put rent into a room mates account to make rent on time (since you wont be there the day its due). These things arent that big of a deal, so why do people freak out? Friends are more important than discomfort or slight annoyances. Snarky comments and rude remarks dont help anything... I thought moving out was supposed to be a good experience, not a reason to jump off a building. This is when I thank the stars that I have friends houses to crash at. The insane thing is.... Im paying almost 300 dollars to sleep in a room. Go Fuck'in Figure.

A Person Just For Me

"Do you still watch Chobits?" Christina-Ann asked me the other day.

To be honest, I hadn't even thought of the show in the 3 years since she moved away, but thinking about it now gave me an odd feeling.

You see, Chobits is one of those shows that people watch, but dont often understand. Its about this man living in Tokyo in an age where each person has a personalized computer robot, specialized to make each person's dreams come true. Heidiki can't afford his own chobit, but ends up finding one abandoned in an alley. This chobit is Chii, an innocent blonde robot, intent on making Heidiki's every wish come true. As the story progresses, Chii falls in love with Heidiki, and goes on many adventures with him and her friend Sumomo. Little does Heidiki realize though that Chii is special; a prototype with a confusing past and a book called A Person Just For Me chronicaling her life (ironically this is her favorite book).

Anyways, Chobit's is just one of those shows that has so much meaning packed into each 3o minute morsal that as soon as CA brought it up, I couldnt help but feel a connection with Chii again; searching for someone who will love me for who I am.

My only question is, does a perosn like that exist...?

"When Santa Anas blow, anything can happen"

Today started off on a one way track to hell; complete with high heels and a matching accessories.

And yet...here I am, happy as a clam (excuse the cliche), in love with a Graham -the perfect man- from the movie The Holiday, and thinking about things I had previously pushed aside.

It really does amaze me how a movie, a peice of complete fiction, can run so true to life. I realized this tonight when watching The Holiday with my little sister.

Its like Iris said, you can be going to a shrink for years, then all the sudden you meet someone, and what they say makes more sense and is able to get through easier then anything your shrink ever said! Its true human connection that gets through our thick skulls, not some hyped up psyco-bable (no offense to any psychiatrist out there). But let's start at the beggining of my realization...

I will be the first to admit that I, am a carpet. A nice fluffy white one, thats been stepped on so many times, but refuses to wear out. Ask any of my friends and they will probably tell you that I need to learn to say NO.

No, I wont drive you around. No, I dont have money to hang out today. No, its not fair that I drive you around looking for a good lay. But some how I cant quite manage to get that special two letter word out. You'd think it would be easy; but no.

A perfect example of my willingness to be the friendly neighbourhood door mat comes from my first real relationship. I was dating this guy, whom I thought the world of despite his ignorance for many of the simple facts of life (that its not a good idea to tell your girlfriend about all the wonderful chicks that are madly inlove with you, that hours of silence on the phone does not count as a conversation, that violent out bursts are not okay). Even after he cheated on me twice with someone I considered a friend, and lied about it in varying degrees, I still stayed with him for months; even as our relationship deteriorated.

" Iris, in the movies, we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are the leading lady but for some reason, you're behaving like the best friend." -Aurthur Abbot

Since then, I regretfully inform you that I have been in a struggle with the worst kinda of love; unrequited love.

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!" -Iris

But this is NOT meant to be a woe-is-me entry.

On the contrary, my point of all this sob story is exactly what the point of the movie The Holiday is.
That you have to take control of your life,
That you are special and deserve someone who treats you with the respect you deserve,
That everyone has a past, everyone has secrets, everyone has felt pain, and;
That there IS someone out there for everyone.