''I am so not in love!''
That's what I was thinking as I drove down the road, on the first night off I'd had for a week. Don't think I mean that I don't love my friends or my family, because I do! But for the first time in a long time, I wasnt feeling that all-or-nothing, can't-live-without-him, feeling. And that, feels good!
I know this goes against some thing's previously stated by me, and the ideals of most teenage girls, but it was just nice to feel like I didnt need to be with someone to be someone. In today's society, why do we allow our happiness to rest on the shoulders of others?
For some odd reason driving aimlessly and listening to the One Tree Hill soundtrack, was making me feel nostalgic. I can remember the way I felt when I first heard Eric say 'I love you,' that night at Christina's house, and I remember how great it was, how special it made me feel. I remember coming home with new stories to tell Mayzin, and talking on the phone for hours, till 2, 3, of 4am.
I also remember how stupid I felt when those feelings of safety and belonging were torn away.
I've learned in the past that you can't trust men, or even if you think you can, you'll have to be careful. And so feeling like Im perfectly capable of taking care of myself, is great. I still think it'd be nice to have someone to come home to that cares about how your feeling, that knows all your flaws and loves you more because of it, but the fact that Im not connected to anyone, and thus can't get hurt, makes me feel a little less stressed.
Example one of why I dont trust or understand guys: After Eric got Ash to break up with me, we didnt talk for almost a year, understandably. But when we got over whatever it was that made us stop talking in the first place, and I tried talking to him again, he wouldnt talk to me...unless he didnt know it was me. Now here we are, talking again, and I'm startting to get really annoyed with the insults, sarcasm, and general emotional wear down. I keep telling myself he's just joking and he doesnt mean to make me feel like shit all the time, but after talking to Chris and hearing how he's NEVER an ass to her, I dont know what makes him think he can treat me like shit. I also feel like I'm being used, as a ride to get Chris out there. I wouldnt mind, if maybe he was ever nice, or even semi-nice, almost supportive, and occasionally friend-like.
So you'll understand if I have trouble believeing that someone who seems nice is like that, which is what makes Jesse being so nice, weird. a) not used to guys being nice unless they want something. b) not used to guys being nice in general. Its also why I wish I knew what was really going through Jesse's mind, so I could stop thinking, before I start feeling something. (inside I know that we'll probably always be good friends and that's it, but ever since I started talking to him I've had a slight crush on him, I couldnt help it!)
Anyways, the point of this whole story is that being alone can be good sometimes. Its nice to be able to rely on yourself, and know that you don't need a man to make you happy. If we were all strong enough to rely on ourselves, would the need for the oppisite sex be obsolete?
That's what I was thinking as I drove down the road, on the first night off I'd had for a week. Don't think I mean that I don't love my friends or my family, because I do! But for the first time in a long time, I wasnt feeling that all-or-nothing, can't-live-without-him, feeling. And that, feels good!
I know this goes against some thing's previously stated by me, and the ideals of most teenage girls, but it was just nice to feel like I didnt need to be with someone to be someone. In today's society, why do we allow our happiness to rest on the shoulders of others?
For some odd reason driving aimlessly and listening to the One Tree Hill soundtrack, was making me feel nostalgic. I can remember the way I felt when I first heard Eric say 'I love you,' that night at Christina's house, and I remember how great it was, how special it made me feel. I remember coming home with new stories to tell Mayzin, and talking on the phone for hours, till 2, 3, of 4am.
I also remember how stupid I felt when those feelings of safety and belonging were torn away.
I've learned in the past that you can't trust men, or even if you think you can, you'll have to be careful. And so feeling like Im perfectly capable of taking care of myself, is great. I still think it'd be nice to have someone to come home to that cares about how your feeling, that knows all your flaws and loves you more because of it, but the fact that Im not connected to anyone, and thus can't get hurt, makes me feel a little less stressed.
Example one of why I dont trust or understand guys: After Eric got Ash to break up with me, we didnt talk for almost a year, understandably. But when we got over whatever it was that made us stop talking in the first place, and I tried talking to him again, he wouldnt talk to me...unless he didnt know it was me. Now here we are, talking again, and I'm startting to get really annoyed with the insults, sarcasm, and general emotional wear down. I keep telling myself he's just joking and he doesnt mean to make me feel like shit all the time, but after talking to Chris and hearing how he's NEVER an ass to her, I dont know what makes him think he can treat me like shit. I also feel like I'm being used, as a ride to get Chris out there. I wouldnt mind, if maybe he was ever nice, or even semi-nice, almost supportive, and occasionally friend-like.
So you'll understand if I have trouble believeing that someone who seems nice is like that, which is what makes Jesse being so nice, weird. a) not used to guys being nice unless they want something. b) not used to guys being nice in general. Its also why I wish I knew what was really going through Jesse's mind, so I could stop thinking, before I start feeling something. (inside I know that we'll probably always be good friends and that's it, but ever since I started talking to him I've had a slight crush on him, I couldnt help it!)
Anyways, the point of this whole story is that being alone can be good sometimes. Its nice to be able to rely on yourself, and know that you don't need a man to make you happy. If we were all strong enough to rely on ourselves, would the need for the oppisite sex be obsolete?
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