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This morning I woke up with an unusal feeling; one of freedom, and no responsibilities. I was in a mood that allowed me to lounge in my new queen size bed for over an hour, and just enjoy the warmth coming from the sunny day outside. My mind wasn't bogged down with any thoughts other then, 'mmmm this feels good...'. And as the day progressed, that relaxed feeling continued into an afternoon in the big leather chair, and an evening driving around listening to music.

Its amazing how the time and space in which I feel the most at ease, is behind the wheel of a 99' firefly, driving down the saskatchewan roads, no destination in mind, and the music so loud I can barely hear myself think. Its the time when I feel most comfortable with myself, when I feel that I finally know who I am, and like it.

I am the girl who loves nature, but is scared of bugs, birds, and tree's at night. I am the girl whose favorite shows are drama's. The girl who wishes that her life was like one of those teen drama's, but complains about the drama in this small town. I am the girl whose two heroes are Marilyn Manson and Sailor Moon. I am a hopeless romantic, and a complete pessimist sometimes. The girl who just wants respect, but most of the time hates herself. The girl can be bossy and nagging, but won't turn her back on her friends. I know that people have flaws, and thats what makes them unique. That no one is perfect, and in any relationship, you just have to work through the rough patches. Yet, its so easy for me to give up. I'm the girl who just wants to be loved. In the end, I just am.

I'm not saying that there are never any negative thoughts durring my me time, there can be. It's also when I can think about what I'm doing, what's happening, what could happen. Its a time for me to feel. To laugh. To cry. To live. And that's what I do.

Get in the car, no make up, pj's on, pick up a raspberry white tea, put in a cd, and dive. And after an entire season of Sex and the City, I was feeling pretty damn comfortable with myself today. I know I'm not the thinest, or the prettiest, the smartest, or the most stylish, but I liked myself today; and THATS what matters!

Yet, half way through Mixed Tape, by Jacks Mannequin I started crying, and Im not exactly sure why... I think Im just scared. I always had these big plans. I moved out, was going to go to university, get married, be successful! I refused to let myself get stuck in this small town, refused to end up working at the grocery store till I die, to never see anything, to never live. And yet, here I am, in this small town, with no real end in site. I can plan and plan, but something always seems to stop those plans.

And so, there i was driving down main street melfort, thinking, where is my life going? How can I get out of here? How fast can I just pack up and leave? And where can I go? It seems like my plans go like the diet my mom and I are trying, the good intention is there, but nothing ever happens. And 7 chicken strips and a peice of cake later, I sit and think, there's always tommorrow. But how long can life go on like that, always meaning well, failing, and saying, 'maybe tomorow'?

But no! I wont give up! I refuse to let my life remain like this. I won't be the girl whose afraid of what everyone else thinks of her. I won't hate myself. I won't waste my talents, or my passion. I have to believe that everything will be okay, eventually. I have to choose to believe that this is not the end, just a test. And if I can make it through this, I can make it through anything.

(And I know that all this won't happen over night, but someday it will. Becuase I AM worth it. I am amazing. And dammit, someday the world will realize that!!)

Label's

Do you ever wonder where our place in society is? They say 'it takes all kinds' but then why is assimilation the biggest thing since acid wash jeans? I was lying in bed this afternoon, sick, and wondering where my friends would be if I'd never met them. Would it have made a difference? Was my existance in their live's one that could just fade into the background without effecting a change, or would they have been completly different people? Am I a catalyst to change, or an inhibitor? And what about friends? What part of my personality can I thank my friends for, and what is purely me?

We all want to believe that our existance is of some importance to the world. Its human nature to want to be important, whether its our ego's talking, or a want to be part of the good in the world, im not sure. What I ams sure of is the theory that everything happens for a reason, that the people we meet and the things we do will ultimately change our outcome.

I know its hard to believe, that that dork that we never talked to in elementry, or the popular girl who treated us like crap, could have an effect on who we are, but its true, and vice versa. What if you hadn't ignored that dork? By judging him without getting to know him first, you might have just missed out on the best guy you never knew you could have, or the best friend who would have been there for you forever. Maybe that shallow popular girl that treated you badly was just like that cause she was jealous of you. Maybe her life was going through some really rough patches, and all she needed was someone to knock through her tough fiscade, and help.

In today's society, we all lable and judge, whether we admit it or not. We take one look at a person, and think we know their entire life. And most of the time, our preconcieved notions are dead wrong. Im not innocent of this either. My worst habbit is letting my past experiences cloud future possibilities. For example, bad past relationships have made me think that all men are jerks, that none of them care about anything other then sex, and that no man will ever love me. I know that's not true since I have many good male friends, who are the exact opposite to my theory, but for some odd reason, I can't seem to change my mind. And not only does that effect me, my outlook on life, my self esteem, but it also pushes people away. And it's not fair to myself, or to them. The truth is that, as painful as it can be, we have to allow people to get close to us. We have to be willing to get to know someone before we discard them. And although we may never know how much we can ever really know someone, sometimes we just have to try.

End of an Era

You left me hanging from a thread we once swung from together

I’ve lick my wounds but I can’t ever see them getting better

Something’s gotta change

Things cannot stay the same

Her hair was pressed against her face, her eyes were red with anger

Enraged by things unsaid and empty beds and bad behavior

Something’s gotta change

It must be rearranged, oh

I’m sorry, I did not mean to hurt my little girl

It's beyond me, I cannot carry the weight of the heavy world

So goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight

Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight

Goodnight, hope that things work out all right, yeah

Whoa The room was silent as we all tried so hard to remember

The way it feels to be alive

The day that he first met her

Something’s gotta change

Things cannot stay the same

You make me think of someone wonderful, but I can’t place her

I wake up every morning wishing one more time to face her

Something’s gotta change

It must be rearranged, oh

ry, I did not mean to hurt my little girl

So much to love..

Its sad when we come to the end of an era, and scary not knowing what will happen next. When friends say goodbye, and new oppertunities arise, I cant help but think; is it necessary to remove all the old, to enjoy the new?

My question comes after a weekend of changes, things I would have never seen coming, words I never thought I had the courage to think, let alone say. Early on in the weekend I tried to get ahold of one of my ex room mates, and after a couple times trying on the phone, she finally picked up. A friendly enough conversation ensued, but little things gave me an uncomfortable feeling, such as her questioning why I would want to meet her new boyfriend, and her refering to the apartment as her house, tho technically I was a tenant till the end of the month. After explaining that I was intereseted cause we were friends, and I wanted to meet who she was dating, we hung up, and aranged to meet a bit later. This did not work, and after trying to find the girls, we met at the mall, and I ended up giving them a ride home since they had run into car troubles. It amazed me how quickly snide comments and mistrust disapeared when in need.

Once I arrived home around nine that night, I encountered a rather upset father, who had just recieved a phone call from one of the girls mothers, wanting me to move my couch, bookshelves, and kitchen table out, incase a new room mate moved in. I promptly called their mother back and told her I respected her very much, and thanked her for her concern, but that her daughter needed to learn to talk to me instead of always going through a third party (first off with lara moving in, then when she was upset I didnt clean as much as she would have liked, and now this). Though this makes sense, I wonder, why couldnt the girls have told me this in the hour we were together?

Did the past 5-7 years of our friendship mean so little to them, that I didnt deserve to hear things straight from them?

If this is what best friends do to you, why would I bother?

My weekend hadn't started out any better either. Things between all of my friends have been on the rocks for some time, and this weekend seemed to be the weekend to all fall down. Another group of friends was being devided by rumours, assumptions, and accusations. One of my closest friends had been going out with another friend, and after their break up, rumours started to spread that he had cheated on her, not with one girl, but with two. Apparently this came from good sources, reliable ones, and my girl friend felt completley betrayed.. When I talked to the guy, he looked me in the eyes and swore it never happened, and I believe him. But the damage has already been done, and now being friends with this guy, could very well ruin the trust built up in my previous friendship.

Its sad that in the society we're living in, we will believe anything that's told to us. We assume the worst in people, and expect relationships to fail, despite the best of intentions. Cheating and lying have become common place, and the break up song has reached its peak in popularity. (Just listen to the top hits, and see how many are about heartbreak and betrayl. Or look at the divorce rates.)

What ever happened to trusting eachother completly? How do you know when someone is telling the truth? And When does it really matter?

Everything Changes

Its amazing how fast things change...one minute you can have your whole life infront of you, and the next its ripped away from you. To have hopes, plans, dreams, and to know exactly where your going, and then end up having no clue what the next day will bring.

Im not sure what got me thinking of all of this today; maybe its that its September 11th, and I cant help but think of all the innocent people with so much potential, that died senselessly. Or maybe, its just that after this summer, the feeling of being without direction is overwhelming.

When I started in July, I had a new apartment, close to the university, in a city I love, with two of my best friends. I was going to university in the fall, I was going to start planning my career, save up money, and travel. I wanted to get my cultural anthropology degree, and volunteer with Amnesty International.

Now, Im back at home, with less friends than I had when I started, and the friends I do have are far away. I have absolutly no clue where to go from here. Im working a temperary job until November, about 5000 in debt, living at home with my parents, and no car for the moment. Im caught between the choice of moving to Ontario and a whole new start in spring, or to Macklin with Jor and Ryon. The only problem with the last option is that Im scared to get close to them again. I dont want to pick up and move with them, just to get dropped like a sickness with no explanation.

Dont get me wrong, good things have happened, but that helpless feeling is still there.

[Guys will come and go, but friends will always stay -not-]

They say you should never put a guy before your friends, and I used to believe it. But from the way things are looking, Im starting to think that guys are more reliable than girls are. Im sick of having to worry about cat fights, vindictive comments, and plots to ruin another persons life. Guys may be violent, but girls are just bitches some times! Its funny, but when Im having a horrible day and I need someone to talk to, the first people I think to call are mayzin, brayden, herman, arne, or jackie. Out of that entire list, one girl. Whats that say?