That True Love Feeling

Ok, I swear this will be my last post thats semi-sad! Scouts honour! Or atleast... I'll try to make it the last one... Sorry! I just cant help it! Summer's almost over, I'm completly confused as to where I'll be living for the next year, my dream of going into University this fall has fallin through (excuse the pun :P), and I'm not sure where this thing with Bren is going.

Yeah everything indicated in my earlier blogs pointed to smooth sailing, but theres just something not quite right. I think my first sign was when he didn't seem to realize what a big deal my first time was to me...that I wanted it to be special (ya ya, laugh it up, but what girl doesnt want it to be?) Now Im regretting the whole thing, and there's nothing I can do about it. Its like something really important to me was taken away and thrown in the trash. A little over exageration I know, but thats the feeling I'm left with. But its not just that. Whether its the fact he keeps talking about wanting to bring a third person into the mix, even just as a casual thing (which still makes me really uncomfortable), or the fact that he doesnt make an effort to come see me anymore, I just dont feel comfortable anymore. I still think he's an awsome person, I just feel like maybe, he thinks now that he's got me, i'll just stick around; and I dont want to be in another relationship like that. I could quite easily just smile, and push all my feelings aside and say, 'well, atleast I have a boyfriend and I'm sure I'm reading to much into this,' but wasting another year of my life on something that I know isn't going to go anywhere, just doesnt sound appealing. Especially when that desicion could effect the rest of the choices I make in my life. Maybe its asking to much, but I just want to find a guy who will respect my feelings, who makes me smile every time I think of him, and who cares what I think. Is it so wrong to want to find the perfect guy?? I've been watching alot of soap opera's lately (and im sure my friend eric wants to kill me for it...) but I cant help but notice the way some of the couples look at eachother, light up when the other one comes into the room, the way they talk, and how inlove you can tell they are. Ok ok, i know its a soap and their just acting, but still, you get the point! Even on movies like The Holiday (which I totaly LOVE), or The Perfect Man, I can see relationships I wish I had. Although the theme in those movies (the ones that seem more real, like its someone you know telling you about their experiences) seems to be that you have to go through a couple bad relationships to find that one guy that makes life so much better. I cant help but look at myself after one of my mom and I's movie nights and say, 'Just hold on girl! Someday you'll find that guy!' Lol, I know, how corny is that? But it really does help when your feeling down. And Its not like I haven't found good guys before; I have. I can remember finding myself smiling just at the thought of some of my ex's, I can remember going through a real shitty day, and it being bareable just cause when I got home, I knew I'd get to talk to them. To bad all guys can't be like that... And really, out of all my previous boyfriends, it looks like i'm batting 2 for 5. Only Mayzin and Eric are really good guys that I can still call friends.

The original plan was to move in with Jenn and Ash (check- done that), and go to the University of Saskatchewan in the fall, start taking my classes in History, Cultural Anthropology, and Rreligious Studies, and then durring the spring, take a class on Teaching English as a Second Language.

But things...well they haven't been going to well. You see, in regards to the room mate thing, at the begining of the year, my friend Lar wanted to move into the apartment for the summer, so she could work and earn a little extra money since getting a job here at home can be really hard. I said it was alright with me if she would check with the girls, and that she could stay in my room. She asked the girls, I asked the girls, everyone heard us ask the girls and everyone heard them say it was fine. The thing is, one week before Lar was to move in, and after she had already packed up and moved out of her parents house, the girls changed their minds and said they were just to scared to say no before because they didnt want me to be mad at them... So that left Lar with a pile of boxes and effectivly no home. At this point, I told them they should have spoke up earlier (and they retaliated by saying they never even agreed), they talked to Lar, and it was agreed that she could stay, for the summer, if she slept in my room; which she did.
Big Mistake.
Things started to go down hill, with dishes being left in the sink one week, when I left for my job back home, and it being blamed on me (although I know Lar had a part in the dishes too...since she was staying at the apartment full time and I wasnt eating there, so where these dishes of mine were supposed to have came from, Im not sure...) Anyways. The dishes were left for one week and aparently started to rot (why they couldnt just wash them and remind me not to leave dishes is beyond me, but I took the heat for that, and my room mates have never let me forget that one incident. They keep bringing it up, saying 'remember when you did this?' and 'you havent been cleaning as much as us,' which is very hard to do when your 2 hours away for 90% of the month.
Along with the whole cleaning fiasco, there's been other issues at the house. Jenn doesnt get along with some of my friends and doesnt like when they come over. So the night Felicia was there and the days she came over to hang out, Jenn was visably upset, and rather rude to Felicia, asking her what the heck she was doing at the house, and slamming the door. Also, when one of my friends called and Jenn found out who it was she had been talking to, she started yelling 'what the fuck is he doing calling here?! how did he get the number?' and I was warned that giving my friend Jackie the number to our house was probably not a good idea incase Jenn found out. I even had to tell Jackie to stay in the car when I ran into the house to grab some stuff. I understand, it'd be like Jenn inviting Nikki over, which I would hate. But Jack was in the car and Jenn baracaded herself in her room after swearing becuase Jackie knew where we lived now. My other friends arent really welcome either. Their of a different religion then my room mates and when they come over, they tend to talk about their veiws. Needless to say, that doesnt go over well, and although the room mates are nice to them while their there, my friends end up leaving feeling unwelcome and like they just got the cold shoulder; or the fake smile as it may be.
The last straw was when my mom called the house looking for me, and Jenn answered the phone. Now you have to understand that she never really talks, so responses are usually cut down to 'meh' or some unintelligable shrug noise. This time tho, my mom asked her how she was doing and the response was not meh; it was 'horrible! i'm gonna kill your daughter... she never does any cleaning. I swear I just want to suffocate her sometimes.' This is not something a mother likes to hear. So the next morning before lunch was even around, I get a concerned phone call from my mother asking what on earth was going on...
So now Im debating if I want to stay at the house and try to tough it out, or go somewhere else, somewhere that hopefully will be more comfortable. The thing is...I need to be in Saskatoon to go to University, but with apartment availability the way it is, it looks like its stay where I am, or bust.
What a choice!

Three's Company

What do you do when the question of sharing comes up? What do you say when your boyfriend starts talking about wanting to do something your not comfortable about? Where is the line between making someone you love happy, and sacrificing your comfort?

You see, we've just started going out, and already he's brought up the idea of involving another person. But i'm barely even comfortable with myself, let alone being with him. He said its fine if I dont want to do it, but he keeps bringing it up, keeps saying, 'well what if you choose the person?' 'what if its a guy?' But that doesnt make me anymore comfortable with the idea. And the fact he keeps bringing it up makes me feel like i'm not good enough for him, like he wants more. He didnt even say 'I love you' today when we hung up.

Besides the fact I'm feeling inadequate in that way, I feel like he doesnt even want to make the effort to be with me. Yeah, I know he was grounded (and i'm not sure if it annoys me that he's letting his parents tell him what he can and cant do) so he couldn't see me the 3 times i've been in the city, but shouldnt he atleast make an effort? And what about the fact that he won't stand up to his parents and come see me? Am I going to have to do all the work if I want this to turn out?

So what do I do? What do I say? And How...or when...do I end it?

Losing My Grip

I feel like I am all alone

All by myself I need to get around this

My words are cold, I don't want them to hurt you

If I show you, I don't think you'd understand

Cause no one understands

-Take Me Away, Avril Lavigne

I swear sometimes I feel like damaged freaking goods. Like I dont deserve to be happy. Like I should be constantly in fear of getting hurt. Its so hard for me to accept that someone likes me; no, that someone loves me, that I just cant believe it.

And so I start to sabatoge it. By beating up on myself. By seeing things that dont exist. By reading so far into things that I lose track of reality. But most of all, by holding it all in and letting it destroy me. Cause Im to scared to tell my boyfriend how I'm feeling. To tell him I wonder why he used to get me to call him, would ask me to drive down spontaniously after work, that it used to seem like he never wanted to get off the phone with me, and now, its like thats all changed. I dont want to seem too needy, too clingy. Dont want to seem like too much trouble, cause Im scared then he would just get rid of me. Give up and say goodbye. After all, why would anyone want to deal with that? Why would anyone want to help me realize that I am worthy of being loved? Its too much work. So I tell myself that if I call to much, complain to much, let my fear show to much, they'll run away. Like they always do. And I would see that I've gotten too close, too soon, too easily. Again.

Except this time I gave away something that meant so much to me, because for some reason, this just, felt different. This time, I gave away a part of me I can never get back. And Im scared that the pregnancy scare that followed, is what changed everything.

So I continue to worry, and think, and seem like a crazy person thats either distant and doesnt care, or that cares to much. And yet, how much do you want to bet that he doesnt see it like that? That he probably just seems someone he loves, going through a rough time. Someone who grew up thinking they were the reason mom was always crying, that they were the reason she said she wanted to leave. Someone whose been cheated on, been told they were a ball and chain, to controling cause I was scared to see my ex boyfriend end up like my cousins, drinking and high all the time, to spaced out to realize they were killing themselves. Someone whose been lied to. Someone who was told that they are the reason their relationships never work out.

I can remember Ricky crying when I found out he cheated on me with Erin, twice. I remember him telling me it was cause he missed me so much, that he convinced himself it was me he was kissing, instead of Erin. I remember being so upset, feeling so betrayed, remember telling him that I hated him. And then forgiving him, and him realizing he could hurt me as much as he wanted, and I would stay. Until finally, he stopped caring what I said, what I thought, what I felt, and he would yell at me, tell me I was the reason he was unhappy, tell me that I was the worst girlfriend ever.

I can remember going home at lunch and getting my christmas present from Eric, and being so happy. But wondering why he never talked to me anymore. I remember Ashley looking at me and saying, he wants me to tell you he doesnt feel that way about you anymore and its over. Wondering why my best friend was able to tell me this so calmly, with so little feeling, like she didnt care that Id be hurt.

I remember Mayzin accusing me of cheating on him, accusing me of doing so when I found out his mother died. I remember him calling me a bitch and a slut, and telling me that I wasnt worth the trouble. I remember him yelling at me all the time, after being in love for so long, and accusing me.. I knew it was just cause he was still hurting from losing his mother, his last parent. And I couldnt blame him. But after week after week of being told that he 'knew I was cheating on him' even tho I wasnt, I gave up. I couldnt take it anymore.

And I remember Richard, telling me he loved me, that I was amazing and that he never wanted to lose me. Then, over the phone the next evening, telling me that he had liked Amber the entire time we had been going out, and he wanted to date her. I remember hearing that they had gotten together less than 6 hours after we had broken up. And even worse, I remember hearing from one of amber's friends, that the night I drove him to Star City to hang out with her (while we were still going out) they were discussing going out, and he told her to wait a couple days and he would be able to date her.

A part of me looks at my past, and wants to cry and say, you made me this way! Its not my fault that Im scared...Its not... But then another part of me wakes up and says, you cant blame anyone else for who you've become. You either have to accept your flaws and realize that someone will love you despite them, or choose to hide so you cant get hurt. Either way, its your paranoia, your problem. No one else can be blamed for the mess you are, the mess your always going to be.

But why do I feel this way? There has to be a balance between blaming everyone else, and just blaming yourself. But for now, until I can find out who I am, this is what I want:
All I want is for him to smile at me, hold me close, kiss me. To tell me that Im delousional, that he loves me. He's just been busy and the reason he hasnt asked me to come visit, or seen me when I've been down. Its cause he's been busy, becuase he absolutly couldnt make it or he would have. To laugh a little, tell me I was being silly, and that he still wanted me around. That I was beautiful, that I was quarky and funny and that all my flaws just made him love me more. That he wouldnt just drop me. Thats all I want to hear...

But there are little things Bren does that show me he cares. Like joking around with me, trying to convince me I broke up with him last night, when I was to tired to remember what Id talked to him about. Like him then saying 'I love you' first, or when I asked if he minded me calling all the time, when he said 'of course I mind! No!! I like it when you call, jeeze what do you think, Im gonna say your annoying and to stop calling me? Your insane. Of course I dont mind!' Things like him sayin we'd find a way through it if I was pregnant, before we found out I wasnt. Or even just the tone of his voice when he talks to me and jokes around, saying erm... and um.... yeah... >_> when he's trying to trick me. Or like last week, when he told me he was really sorry he couldnt meet me after work, and that he loved me and missed me and to call and let him know that I made it home alright. And when I called, him sighing happily and telling me he missed my voice and didnt wanna let me go. Things like that make me smile, and make me feel loved, and wanted. And I know, when I think about it, that he really does care about me, and my worries that he doesnt are just the emotional state of a PMSing teenage girl. That he's just tired after a long day of work. That he really isnt allowed on the phone or the computer and thats why he doesnt sound more enthused to have long conversations, and that's why he hasnt checked his email lately.

And Thats when I smile to myself and think, maybe I am okay. Maybe everything will work out this time.

I really dont mean to seem all woe is me, that never was, and never will be my intention. The reason I write in this blog is to get my feelings out, so I dont explode, and it helps. It really does. Cause now, I feel silly for being paranoid. Now I can remember all the possitives, the happy times, the good things...

I give you everything that I am

I'm handin' over everything that I've got

Cause I wanna have a really true love

Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up

Stay up till Four In The Morning

And the tears are pouring

And I want to make it worth the fight

What have we been doing for all this time?

Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

Don't want to lose the love I've found

-4 in the Morning, Gwen Steffani

Moving On

When do we know that it's time to move on? To pick up, and leave our nice comfortable station in life for one less sure; for one where we dont know what could happen?

This is the problem facing me right now.

Should I stick out my room mate situation, not being able to have friends over, not being able to have friends call, and being constantly made to feel like im not doing a good enough job, in the hope everything will get better and settle down? If I decided to stay, I could probably find a job easily, and Id have a place to stay, but how long can my sanity last in that place? I might end up back where I was a couple years ago, beating up on myself so badly...mentally and physically.

Maybe I should take my Aunt up on her offer, and move to Alta., take my first few years of post secondary at Red Deer College, and get a job where the minimum wage is usually atleast 11$ an hour. But then I'd be leaving a couple really close friends...not to mention a new boyfriend, cutting that relationship off before it can really go anywhere.

I could pack up and come back home to Melly, move in back at home, and work at my current job. But that just has all kinds of trouble. Yeah, its an easy job, with gauranteed hours, but I really dont think its for me. That and then Id be taking over my mom's hours and she'd have to go back to working casual. And how healthy is it for me to give up and move back home? Especially to this little shit town...

So here I am, about 2,000$ short from being able to pick up and move where ever I want... So where do I go from here? And what do I sacrifice on my way forward? My sanity? My friends and my boyfriend? My freedom? How can I really choose...

The Time In between..

Ok, so, there's alot going on right now. And not alot of it's fun. *sigh* But I've gotta write it down somewhere, and here is as good a place as any. So here is a compilation of entries from over the past week, chronicaling my thoughts, fears, annoyances, and the occasional Yay! moment (aka. the Hedley concert last night)

09-08-07 -Here We Go Again! (brought to you live from Chapters in Regina, SK)
Let me explain how I even got to be here, sitting in Starbucks in Regina, with a little more than a half tank of gas in the car, writting again after a few months of hiatus.
Over the past couple months there's been alot going on. Here's some of what's happened:
-I started hanging out with Wanda again. Probably not a good idea. And I remember why I stopped b4. I cant handle her man-hopping, her rude nick names for people she doesnt even know, her calling my friends immature because they joke around, her using me for my car and bitching at having to pay for gas, her wanting me -no, telling me!- that I should 'slut it up' even though I have a boyfriend. Ever get one of those feelings in the pit of your stomach that sais, avoid with caution? Thats what I'm gettin here and I think I'd better listen. Before I start smoking again, or before I get high for a third time, or do something else stupid.
-I moved into Stoon with Ash and Jenn. Which was going good, but I cant live with Ash's snippy comments about my character and dating life or lack there of, and superior attitude, and what I feel to be unreasonable standards for room mates. And so Im currently paying 291.67 a month plus utilities for a room i'm never in. Nor do I WANT to be there! And they wonder why Im only there nights I dont have anywhere else to stay... (and apparently this is a problem.. go fig) Also I left dishes in the sink for a couple weeks once (tho i still swear their not all mine, they were laras too cause i was never there!) and the girls are holding it over my head and yelling at me for not cleaning up enough, complaining to my mom, etc. Its a mess..
-Im also hanging out with Jackie again. Could possibly end badly, but Im really not worried. She's grown up alot since she had Peyton. Shes actually THERE for me, bought me a test (which will be taken tommorow/friday) and is supportive. no 'well you'd have 9 months to figure out where to stay' like from ash when i stated she and jenn prolly wouldnt want a baby around.
-Ash is being really really odd... comments like 'I thought you'd spaz!' when i told her I was happy for her that she had found another boyfriend. Apparently cause Id been on POF for awhile and was still alone and she found someone 'who is SO awesome!' in her words, in a couple days, Id be jealous and hate her. Between that and when I asked if I could borrow her earrings and she was like 'NO! I never get them Back!' To which I'd said I had only ever borrowed one pair and she asked where they were. I looked at her and said the dresser in my room, a wall awa y, and she was like 'oh, i thought you got rid of them'. Like why would I do that? Its like everything I say is taken as an attack!
-I Also met some really interesting people; John and the Baha'i. There's a story! So I've made a bunch of new friends through a microwave! (heh doesnt make sense does it??) Lydia, Tahereh, Luke, John, Gary, Richard, etc. All over a microwave! You see, the first day we moved into our appartment, there was a knock at the door and rather cute farmer-ish looking guy is at the door asking if we are selling our microwave/toaster oven thingy (our landlord next door was having a garage sale the day before and John now knocked at the wrong door). Anyways, This was John, a really funny, nice guy, who just has this kind aura about him -also he was the object of a crush for awhile- so now we go for coffee, to firesides, and have random talks at 1am after throwing pennies at peoples windows.. *glares at John* xP Tahereh (a girl i met through John) and I have gotten close too, atleast in my opinion. She was the first person I told about being scared that I was pregnant, and talking to her really calmed me down! Oh! And through Luke I met Jalynn, my cousins cousin on Canada Day. She is sooo awsome! Totally good CD shopping buddy, and love her like a sister!
-Then theirs Brendon, my new boyfriend! (the one aformentioned in previous blogs) I swear, this guy is A-freakin-mazing! lol He's sweet and funny, and cares how i'm doing and feeling. Actually, he really suprised me too. You see, we havent known eachother for long, and though, yeah, we're dating, a pregnancy scare already, cant have been easy. I was actually pretty suprised he didnt turn and run when I told him about the possibility. The word adoption came up, but even that is understandable (wouldnt happen, but understandable). The fact Bren said 'We'll get through this' was enough to make me realize what a good guy Ive found, and I just hope the fact that we live a couple hours apart, wont come between us. I really want this to work...Its a person I can count on, someone I can talk to (when he has minutes on the phone), and I know he cares about me, he's always saying he misses me, that he loves me... So why am I so nervous? Why am I so scared?
Anyways, you now have the background on my life for the past couple months. After a break up with Richard, and graduating highschool, moving into the city, and meeting some new people, here I am, at Chapters/Starbucks.
You see, the plan was to drive into town yesterday, and go with Bren to get his first Tattoo, but he couldnt hang out with me since he'd gotten into a fight with this guy from work a couple days earlier. I told him I needed to talk to him, and he concluded from how worried I seemed, that I was scared I was pregnant. So he started freaking out (not like I blame him) and that made me freak out. I mean seriously, here I was. Alone. In Regina. Not sure how my boyfriend was feeling since my phone died, and scared he would hate me and run. I spent the night at Wascana Park, watching the ducks on the river and reading books, waiting for my friend to call me after a dinner he went to. That didnt turn out tho. So I drove around till I was to tired too, and then parked on a residential street, and went to sleep in my back seat. The next day I did basically the same thing, Wascana, breakfast at Starbucks, reading books at Chapters, and meeting random people (like this one pregnant lady who was looking for baby names). Bren had texted me to go for lunch with him but I missed the text, so I spent the day alone again. And here I am, writting to you. Just trying to get my feelings onto paper, where maybe they'll make more sense...But its not really working.

So Sick...(and i dont mean the song by Ne-yo)

I swear to God, I havent felt this sick in a long time.. If I remember correctly, it was probably at Ty's birthday when I got so hammered I didnt know I was drunk, that i've felt this shitty. Im sweating, cold, shakey, naseaus, tired... I feel like i've got the freaking flu from hell!! And the first thing that crosses my mind is .... 'I cant do this for 9 more months...'

What. The. Hell. (right?)

Ok, maybe I should clarify. The Other day I had a pregnancy scare. Well an 'Oh shit. What did I do now?' moment. Followed by scrambling money together, and running to the pharmacy to get grilled by a pharmacist before paying like 30-47$ to get the Plan B pill (approx. 40-ish hours after the fact) So now i'm sitting here going, jeeze I hope that worked...

So technically Im physically about to vomit my insides out, and mentally scared shitless that im prego.

Which brings me to another point! What is it with guys and being oh so freakin sensitive?! I say I have a problem, and the boyfriend says oh god, your not pregnant are you? Such support guys...followed by just go get the pill it will be ok. And if its not, then what? I think to myself. This will NOT end well. If I do end up being pregnant, my mother will be uber 'dissapointed' in me (god i hate that word), my family will most likely talk about what a slut I am, behind my back, my friends will roll their eyes and say serves you right, how you gonna take care of it now? and my boyfriend will prolly run for the hills.

So basically I have a plan.. If I am (for some god forsaken reason) pregnant, and my boyfriend does run out on me, I'm picking up and moving to Ontario. Away from family. Away from so called friends. Away from all the judgement to where I know i'd have friends that support me (aka. Jor, Eric, and maybe May)

But that's not my problem right now. Right now I just wanna stop feeling like Shit!!! :'(