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This morning I woke up with an unusal feeling; one of freedom, and no responsibilities. I was in a mood that allowed me to lounge in my new queen size bed for over an hour, and just enjoy the warmth coming from the sunny day outside. My mind wasn't bogged down with any thoughts other then, 'mmmm this feels good...'. And as the day progressed, that relaxed feeling continued into an afternoon in the big leather chair, and an evening driving around listening to music.

Its amazing how the time and space in which I feel the most at ease, is behind the wheel of a 99' firefly, driving down the saskatchewan roads, no destination in mind, and the music so loud I can barely hear myself think. Its the time when I feel most comfortable with myself, when I feel that I finally know who I am, and like it.

I am the girl who loves nature, but is scared of bugs, birds, and tree's at night. I am the girl whose favorite shows are drama's. The girl who wishes that her life was like one of those teen drama's, but complains about the drama in this small town. I am the girl whose two heroes are Marilyn Manson and Sailor Moon. I am a hopeless romantic, and a complete pessimist sometimes. The girl who just wants respect, but most of the time hates herself. The girl can be bossy and nagging, but won't turn her back on her friends. I know that people have flaws, and thats what makes them unique. That no one is perfect, and in any relationship, you just have to work through the rough patches. Yet, its so easy for me to give up. I'm the girl who just wants to be loved. In the end, I just am.

I'm not saying that there are never any negative thoughts durring my me time, there can be. It's also when I can think about what I'm doing, what's happening, what could happen. Its a time for me to feel. To laugh. To cry. To live. And that's what I do.

Get in the car, no make up, pj's on, pick up a raspberry white tea, put in a cd, and dive. And after an entire season of Sex and the City, I was feeling pretty damn comfortable with myself today. I know I'm not the thinest, or the prettiest, the smartest, or the most stylish, but I liked myself today; and THATS what matters!

Yet, half way through Mixed Tape, by Jacks Mannequin I started crying, and Im not exactly sure why... I think Im just scared. I always had these big plans. I moved out, was going to go to university, get married, be successful! I refused to let myself get stuck in this small town, refused to end up working at the grocery store till I die, to never see anything, to never live. And yet, here I am, in this small town, with no real end in site. I can plan and plan, but something always seems to stop those plans.

And so, there i was driving down main street melfort, thinking, where is my life going? How can I get out of here? How fast can I just pack up and leave? And where can I go? It seems like my plans go like the diet my mom and I are trying, the good intention is there, but nothing ever happens. And 7 chicken strips and a peice of cake later, I sit and think, there's always tommorrow. But how long can life go on like that, always meaning well, failing, and saying, 'maybe tomorow'?

But no! I wont give up! I refuse to let my life remain like this. I won't be the girl whose afraid of what everyone else thinks of her. I won't hate myself. I won't waste my talents, or my passion. I have to believe that everything will be okay, eventually. I have to choose to believe that this is not the end, just a test. And if I can make it through this, I can make it through anything.

(And I know that all this won't happen over night, but someday it will. Becuase I AM worth it. I am amazing. And dammit, someday the world will realize that!!)