Ok, I swear this will be my last post thats semi-sad! Scouts honour! Or atleast... I'll try to make it the last one... Sorry! I just cant help it! Summer's almost over, I'm completly confused as to where I'll be living for the next year, my dream of going into University this fall has fallin through (excuse the pun :P), and I'm not sure where this thing with Bren is going.
Yeah everything indicated in my earlier blogs pointed to smooth sailing, but theres just something not quite right. I think my first sign was when he didn't seem to realize what a big deal my first time was to me...that I wanted it to be special (ya ya, laugh it up, but what girl doesnt want it to be?) Now Im regretting the whole thing, and there's nothing I can do about it. Its like something really important to me was taken away and thrown in the trash. A little over exageration I know, but thats the feeling I'm left with. But its not just that. Whether its the fact he keeps talking about wanting to bring a third person into the mix, even just as a casual thing (which still makes me really uncomfortable), or the fact that he doesnt make an effort to come see me anymore, I just dont feel comfortable anymore. I still think he's an awsome person, I just feel like maybe, he thinks now that he's got me, i'll just stick around; and I dont want to be in another relationship like that. I could quite easily just smile, and push all my feelings aside and say, 'well, atleast I have a boyfriend and I'm sure I'm reading to much into this,' but wasting another year of my life on something that I know isn't going to go anywhere, just doesnt sound appealing. Especially when that desicion could effect the rest of the choices I make in my life. Maybe its asking to much, but I just want to find a guy who will respect my feelings, who makes me smile every time I think of him, and who cares what I think. Is it so wrong to want to find the perfect guy?? I've been watching alot of soap opera's lately (and im sure my friend eric wants to kill me for it...) but I cant help but notice the way some of the couples look at eachother, light up when the other one comes into the room, the way they talk, and how inlove you can tell they are. Ok ok, i know its a soap and their just acting, but still, you get the point! Even on movies like The Holiday (which I totaly LOVE), or The Perfect Man, I can see relationships I wish I had. Although the theme in those movies (the ones that seem more real, like its someone you know telling you about their experiences) seems to be that you have to go through a couple bad relationships to find that one guy that makes life so much better. I cant help but look at myself after one of my mom and I's movie nights and say, 'Just hold on girl! Someday you'll find that guy!' Lol, I know, how corny is that? But it really does help when your feeling down. And Its not like I haven't found good guys before; I have. I can remember finding myself smiling just at the thought of some of my ex's, I can remember going through a real shitty day, and it being bareable just cause when I got home, I knew I'd get to talk to them. To bad all guys can't be like that... And really, out of all my previous boyfriends, it looks like i'm batting 2 for 5. Only Mayzin and Eric are really good guys that I can still call friends.
The original plan was to move in with Jenn and Ash (check- done that), and go to the University of Saskatchewan in the fall, start taking my classes in History, Cultural Anthropology, and Rreligious Studies, and then durring the spring, take a class on Teaching English as a Second Language.
But things...well they haven't been going to well. You see, in regards to the room mate thing, at the begining of the year, my friend Lar wanted to move into the apartment for the summer, so she could work and earn a little extra money since getting a job here at home can be really hard. I said it was alright with me if she would check with the girls, and that she could stay in my room. She asked the girls, I asked the girls, everyone heard us ask the girls and everyone heard them say it was fine. The thing is, one week before Lar was to move in, and after she had already packed up and moved out of her parents house, the girls changed their minds and said they were just to scared to say no before because they didnt want me to be mad at them... So that left Lar with a pile of boxes and effectivly no home. At this point, I told them they should have spoke up earlier (and they retaliated by saying they never even agreed), they talked to Lar, and it was agreed that she could stay, for the summer, if she slept in my room; which she did.
Big Mistake.
Things started to go down hill, with dishes being left in the sink one week, when I left for my job back home, and it being blamed on me (although I know Lar had a part in the dishes too...since she was staying at the apartment full time and I wasnt eating there, so where these dishes of mine were supposed to have came from, Im not sure...) Anyways. The dishes were left for one week and aparently started to rot (why they couldnt just wash them and remind me not to leave dishes is beyond me, but I took the heat for that, and my room mates have never let me forget that one incident. They keep bringing it up, saying 'remember when you did this?' and 'you havent been cleaning as much as us,' which is very hard to do when your 2 hours away for 90% of the month.
Along with the whole cleaning fiasco, there's been other issues at the house. Jenn doesnt get along with some of my friends and doesnt like when they come over. So the night Felicia was there and the days she came over to hang out, Jenn was visably upset, and rather rude to Felicia, asking her what the heck she was doing at the house, and slamming the door. Also, when one of my friends called and Jenn found out who it was she had been talking to, she started yelling 'what the fuck is he doing calling here?! how did he get the number?' and I was warned that giving my friend Jackie the number to our house was probably not a good idea incase Jenn found out. I even had to tell Jackie to stay in the car when I ran into the house to grab some stuff. I understand, it'd be like Jenn inviting Nikki over, which I would hate. But Jack was in the car and Jenn baracaded herself in her room after swearing becuase Jackie knew where we lived now. My other friends arent really welcome either. Their of a different religion then my room mates and when they come over, they tend to talk about their veiws. Needless to say, that doesnt go over well, and although the room mates are nice to them while their there, my friends end up leaving feeling unwelcome and like they just got the cold shoulder; or the fake smile as it may be.
The last straw was when my mom called the house looking for me, and Jenn answered the phone. Now you have to understand that she never really talks, so responses are usually cut down to 'meh' or some unintelligable shrug noise. This time tho, my mom asked her how she was doing and the response was not meh; it was 'horrible! i'm gonna kill your daughter... she never does any cleaning. I swear I just want to suffocate her sometimes.' This is not something a mother likes to hear. So the next morning before lunch was even around, I get a concerned phone call from my mother asking what on earth was going on...
So now Im debating if I want to stay at the house and try to tough it out, or go somewhere else, somewhere that hopefully will be more comfortable. The thing is...I need to be in Saskatoon to go to University, but with apartment availability the way it is, it looks like its stay where I am, or bust.
What a choice!
Yeah everything indicated in my earlier blogs pointed to smooth sailing, but theres just something not quite right. I think my first sign was when he didn't seem to realize what a big deal my first time was to me...that I wanted it to be special (ya ya, laugh it up, but what girl doesnt want it to be?) Now Im regretting the whole thing, and there's nothing I can do about it. Its like something really important to me was taken away and thrown in the trash. A little over exageration I know, but thats the feeling I'm left with. But its not just that. Whether its the fact he keeps talking about wanting to bring a third person into the mix, even just as a casual thing (which still makes me really uncomfortable), or the fact that he doesnt make an effort to come see me anymore, I just dont feel comfortable anymore. I still think he's an awsome person, I just feel like maybe, he thinks now that he's got me, i'll just stick around; and I dont want to be in another relationship like that. I could quite easily just smile, and push all my feelings aside and say, 'well, atleast I have a boyfriend and I'm sure I'm reading to much into this,' but wasting another year of my life on something that I know isn't going to go anywhere, just doesnt sound appealing. Especially when that desicion could effect the rest of the choices I make in my life. Maybe its asking to much, but I just want to find a guy who will respect my feelings, who makes me smile every time I think of him, and who cares what I think. Is it so wrong to want to find the perfect guy?? I've been watching alot of soap opera's lately (and im sure my friend eric wants to kill me for it...) but I cant help but notice the way some of the couples look at eachother, light up when the other one comes into the room, the way they talk, and how inlove you can tell they are. Ok ok, i know its a soap and their just acting, but still, you get the point! Even on movies like The Holiday (which I totaly LOVE), or The Perfect Man, I can see relationships I wish I had. Although the theme in those movies (the ones that seem more real, like its someone you know telling you about their experiences) seems to be that you have to go through a couple bad relationships to find that one guy that makes life so much better. I cant help but look at myself after one of my mom and I's movie nights and say, 'Just hold on girl! Someday you'll find that guy!' Lol, I know, how corny is that? But it really does help when your feeling down. And Its not like I haven't found good guys before; I have. I can remember finding myself smiling just at the thought of some of my ex's, I can remember going through a real shitty day, and it being bareable just cause when I got home, I knew I'd get to talk to them. To bad all guys can't be like that... And really, out of all my previous boyfriends, it looks like i'm batting 2 for 5. Only Mayzin and Eric are really good guys that I can still call friends.
The original plan was to move in with Jenn and Ash (check- done that), and go to the University of Saskatchewan in the fall, start taking my classes in History, Cultural Anthropology, and Rreligious Studies, and then durring the spring, take a class on Teaching English as a Second Language.
But things...well they haven't been going to well. You see, in regards to the room mate thing, at the begining of the year, my friend Lar wanted to move into the apartment for the summer, so she could work and earn a little extra money since getting a job here at home can be really hard. I said it was alright with me if she would check with the girls, and that she could stay in my room. She asked the girls, I asked the girls, everyone heard us ask the girls and everyone heard them say it was fine. The thing is, one week before Lar was to move in, and after she had already packed up and moved out of her parents house, the girls changed their minds and said they were just to scared to say no before because they didnt want me to be mad at them... So that left Lar with a pile of boxes and effectivly no home. At this point, I told them they should have spoke up earlier (and they retaliated by saying they never even agreed), they talked to Lar, and it was agreed that she could stay, for the summer, if she slept in my room; which she did.
Big Mistake.
Things started to go down hill, with dishes being left in the sink one week, when I left for my job back home, and it being blamed on me (although I know Lar had a part in the dishes too...since she was staying at the apartment full time and I wasnt eating there, so where these dishes of mine were supposed to have came from, Im not sure...) Anyways. The dishes were left for one week and aparently started to rot (why they couldnt just wash them and remind me not to leave dishes is beyond me, but I took the heat for that, and my room mates have never let me forget that one incident. They keep bringing it up, saying 'remember when you did this?' and 'you havent been cleaning as much as us,' which is very hard to do when your 2 hours away for 90% of the month.
Along with the whole cleaning fiasco, there's been other issues at the house. Jenn doesnt get along with some of my friends and doesnt like when they come over. So the night Felicia was there and the days she came over to hang out, Jenn was visably upset, and rather rude to Felicia, asking her what the heck she was doing at the house, and slamming the door. Also, when one of my friends called and Jenn found out who it was she had been talking to, she started yelling 'what the fuck is he doing calling here?! how did he get the number?' and I was warned that giving my friend Jackie the number to our house was probably not a good idea incase Jenn found out. I even had to tell Jackie to stay in the car when I ran into the house to grab some stuff. I understand, it'd be like Jenn inviting Nikki over, which I would hate. But Jack was in the car and Jenn baracaded herself in her room after swearing becuase Jackie knew where we lived now. My other friends arent really welcome either. Their of a different religion then my room mates and when they come over, they tend to talk about their veiws. Needless to say, that doesnt go over well, and although the room mates are nice to them while their there, my friends end up leaving feeling unwelcome and like they just got the cold shoulder; or the fake smile as it may be.
The last straw was when my mom called the house looking for me, and Jenn answered the phone. Now you have to understand that she never really talks, so responses are usually cut down to 'meh' or some unintelligable shrug noise. This time tho, my mom asked her how she was doing and the response was not meh; it was 'horrible! i'm gonna kill your daughter... she never does any cleaning. I swear I just want to suffocate her sometimes.' This is not something a mother likes to hear. So the next morning before lunch was even around, I get a concerned phone call from my mother asking what on earth was going on...
So now Im debating if I want to stay at the house and try to tough it out, or go somewhere else, somewhere that hopefully will be more comfortable. The thing is...I need to be in Saskatoon to go to University, but with apartment availability the way it is, it looks like its stay where I am, or bust.
What a choice!
3 comments:
nice blog
thanks ^-^ kinda suprised anyone read it, sometimes its just nice to be able to write down your thoughts.
you're very intresting to read.
plus you like ten second epic, mcr, and the rejects.
we have lots in common.:D
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