Losing My Grip

I feel like I am all alone

All by myself I need to get around this

My words are cold, I don't want them to hurt you

If I show you, I don't think you'd understand

Cause no one understands

-Take Me Away, Avril Lavigne

I swear sometimes I feel like damaged freaking goods. Like I dont deserve to be happy. Like I should be constantly in fear of getting hurt. Its so hard for me to accept that someone likes me; no, that someone loves me, that I just cant believe it.

And so I start to sabatoge it. By beating up on myself. By seeing things that dont exist. By reading so far into things that I lose track of reality. But most of all, by holding it all in and letting it destroy me. Cause Im to scared to tell my boyfriend how I'm feeling. To tell him I wonder why he used to get me to call him, would ask me to drive down spontaniously after work, that it used to seem like he never wanted to get off the phone with me, and now, its like thats all changed. I dont want to seem too needy, too clingy. Dont want to seem like too much trouble, cause Im scared then he would just get rid of me. Give up and say goodbye. After all, why would anyone want to deal with that? Why would anyone want to help me realize that I am worthy of being loved? Its too much work. So I tell myself that if I call to much, complain to much, let my fear show to much, they'll run away. Like they always do. And I would see that I've gotten too close, too soon, too easily. Again.

Except this time I gave away something that meant so much to me, because for some reason, this just, felt different. This time, I gave away a part of me I can never get back. And Im scared that the pregnancy scare that followed, is what changed everything.

So I continue to worry, and think, and seem like a crazy person thats either distant and doesnt care, or that cares to much. And yet, how much do you want to bet that he doesnt see it like that? That he probably just seems someone he loves, going through a rough time. Someone who grew up thinking they were the reason mom was always crying, that they were the reason she said she wanted to leave. Someone whose been cheated on, been told they were a ball and chain, to controling cause I was scared to see my ex boyfriend end up like my cousins, drinking and high all the time, to spaced out to realize they were killing themselves. Someone whose been lied to. Someone who was told that they are the reason their relationships never work out.

I can remember Ricky crying when I found out he cheated on me with Erin, twice. I remember him telling me it was cause he missed me so much, that he convinced himself it was me he was kissing, instead of Erin. I remember being so upset, feeling so betrayed, remember telling him that I hated him. And then forgiving him, and him realizing he could hurt me as much as he wanted, and I would stay. Until finally, he stopped caring what I said, what I thought, what I felt, and he would yell at me, tell me I was the reason he was unhappy, tell me that I was the worst girlfriend ever.

I can remember going home at lunch and getting my christmas present from Eric, and being so happy. But wondering why he never talked to me anymore. I remember Ashley looking at me and saying, he wants me to tell you he doesnt feel that way about you anymore and its over. Wondering why my best friend was able to tell me this so calmly, with so little feeling, like she didnt care that Id be hurt.

I remember Mayzin accusing me of cheating on him, accusing me of doing so when I found out his mother died. I remember him calling me a bitch and a slut, and telling me that I wasnt worth the trouble. I remember him yelling at me all the time, after being in love for so long, and accusing me.. I knew it was just cause he was still hurting from losing his mother, his last parent. And I couldnt blame him. But after week after week of being told that he 'knew I was cheating on him' even tho I wasnt, I gave up. I couldnt take it anymore.

And I remember Richard, telling me he loved me, that I was amazing and that he never wanted to lose me. Then, over the phone the next evening, telling me that he had liked Amber the entire time we had been going out, and he wanted to date her. I remember hearing that they had gotten together less than 6 hours after we had broken up. And even worse, I remember hearing from one of amber's friends, that the night I drove him to Star City to hang out with her (while we were still going out) they were discussing going out, and he told her to wait a couple days and he would be able to date her.

A part of me looks at my past, and wants to cry and say, you made me this way! Its not my fault that Im scared...Its not... But then another part of me wakes up and says, you cant blame anyone else for who you've become. You either have to accept your flaws and realize that someone will love you despite them, or choose to hide so you cant get hurt. Either way, its your paranoia, your problem. No one else can be blamed for the mess you are, the mess your always going to be.

But why do I feel this way? There has to be a balance between blaming everyone else, and just blaming yourself. But for now, until I can find out who I am, this is what I want:
All I want is for him to smile at me, hold me close, kiss me. To tell me that Im delousional, that he loves me. He's just been busy and the reason he hasnt asked me to come visit, or seen me when I've been down. Its cause he's been busy, becuase he absolutly couldnt make it or he would have. To laugh a little, tell me I was being silly, and that he still wanted me around. That I was beautiful, that I was quarky and funny and that all my flaws just made him love me more. That he wouldnt just drop me. Thats all I want to hear...

But there are little things Bren does that show me he cares. Like joking around with me, trying to convince me I broke up with him last night, when I was to tired to remember what Id talked to him about. Like him then saying 'I love you' first, or when I asked if he minded me calling all the time, when he said 'of course I mind! No!! I like it when you call, jeeze what do you think, Im gonna say your annoying and to stop calling me? Your insane. Of course I dont mind!' Things like him sayin we'd find a way through it if I was pregnant, before we found out I wasnt. Or even just the tone of his voice when he talks to me and jokes around, saying erm... and um.... yeah... >_> when he's trying to trick me. Or like last week, when he told me he was really sorry he couldnt meet me after work, and that he loved me and missed me and to call and let him know that I made it home alright. And when I called, him sighing happily and telling me he missed my voice and didnt wanna let me go. Things like that make me smile, and make me feel loved, and wanted. And I know, when I think about it, that he really does care about me, and my worries that he doesnt are just the emotional state of a PMSing teenage girl. That he's just tired after a long day of work. That he really isnt allowed on the phone or the computer and thats why he doesnt sound more enthused to have long conversations, and that's why he hasnt checked his email lately.

And Thats when I smile to myself and think, maybe I am okay. Maybe everything will work out this time.

I really dont mean to seem all woe is me, that never was, and never will be my intention. The reason I write in this blog is to get my feelings out, so I dont explode, and it helps. It really does. Cause now, I feel silly for being paranoid. Now I can remember all the possitives, the happy times, the good things...

I give you everything that I am

I'm handin' over everything that I've got

Cause I wanna have a really true love

Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up

Stay up till Four In The Morning

And the tears are pouring

And I want to make it worth the fight

What have we been doing for all this time?

Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

Don't want to lose the love I've found

-4 in the Morning, Gwen Steffani